Heeey Jen. How are you? You okay? Feeling weird? You've been acting bonkers! According to GQ you're trying to take back control of your own media narrative. Too bad you look desperate.


After not talking about Brad and Angelina for years, first you were babbling to some Wintour-trons about how what Angie did was "uncool", and now you're in your birthday suit on the cover of GQ, snarking further about the blessed couple and their passel of brats. Look, I get it: people are still asking you about them, and it's infuriating. Who wants to be asked constantly about your ex-husband and the freaking gorgeous perfect earth mama he left you for? But, after that September, 2005 issue of Vanity Fair when you said Brad had a "sensitivity chip" missing and then got all that public sympathy, I thought you had said your piece and moved on.

But no! You're apparently still mired in it, and this, compounded by your forthcoming film choices. According to GQ:

As we finish lunch, she talks about the project she seems most excited about: a movie she's developing called Pumas, in which she hopes to star with Elizabeth Banks. "It's sort of a female Wedding Crashers," she says. "It's these two girls who are aspiring cougars. It is so a comment on the sexual double standard-and what's been ironic is how hard it's been to get this movie made. Studios want it, but they're afraid of Middle America. They'd want to change it; they're saying, Oh, you can't do that, people just can't imagine you…" She's alluding here to Hollywood's formula for romantic comedies and her default character within them-offbeat, likable, and unlucky in love…before I leave, I have to ask about what she-referring earlier to the photo of her and the half-naked dudes-described as "sort of a cougar thing." Her friend Courteney Cox has just announced a TV show called Cougar Town, there's that Pumas movie, and of course, the younger man. Sure, it all seems a little heavy-handed, but if Jen's trying to signal that in the next episode of her life she'll play a fortysomething sex symbol, well, we're certainly not going to complain.


Oh, Jen. As Tedra Osell of Bitch PhD pointed out earlier this year, calling yourself a "cougar" is not actually empowering. It's sort of making your adult sexuality into a sideshow. Or, as Tedra put it, "As an official feminist and sometime 'cougar,' I think the label is revolting. I mean, yes, congratulations, society, on realizing that adult women are sexual beings, but generally I find that the label is used condescendingly, as if women that age are a little past it and aggressive-predatory in a desperate way."

You're a sexy, vibrant, multimillionaire. You don't need to strip down to your skivvies and dish about your ex-husband or take on lame, jumped-the-shark roles because you think they're "hot." Just hang out on the beach with Jon Mayer and smoke some weed and stop worrying so much about controlling what the tabloids say about you. You'll probably be a lot happier.


Stay Sweet,


PS: No one else is going to tell you this, but in the above picture the people at GQ Photoshopped you into looking like O.G. Real Housewife Vicki Gunvalson. Real Talk.


Lordy, Lordy, This Woman Is 40 [GQ]

Earlier: Jennifer Aniston: Buck Naked & Making Brangelina Jokes
Is Calling A Woman A Cougar Grounds For A Court Case?
Oprah: Jennifer Aniston Explains Why Angelina Is "Uncool"