Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we search for actual gossip in the celebrity weekly magazines. This week, there are two covers devoted to baby weight, one featuring newlywed Beyoncé, one concerning Jennifer Aniston and Orlando Bloom's fauxmance and one screaming, "Britney Relapses!" Intern Sharon helps us suffer through the burning pain induced by OK!, Us, In Touch, Life & Style and Star, after the jump. Won't you join us?

"Inside Beyoncé's Wedding!" As you know by now, the ceremony was held at Jay-Z's $8 million Tribeca apartment. There were 60,000 white orchids flown in from Thaliand. The first dance was to Earth Wind & Fire's "September." There was a cake that was about 5 foot 8 inches tall. The couple can't honeymoon yet because they're so busy, but Beyoncé's mom, Tina Knowles, says, "Hopefully Beyoncé will be starting a family soon." Also inside: A "Celeb Baby Bump Countdown" to the pregnant ladies' due dates: Jodie Sweetin is due April 6! Nicole Kidman is due in July! Tom Brady and Gisele went to L.A. to see Tom's baby boy — and a nanny did the hand-off, because Bridget Moynahan is still not speaking to Tom. Brad Pitt was carded while buying beer in Texas; the cashier didn't know who he was. Jamie Lynn Spears spent her birthday without her parents and her brother Bryan, because they were in L.A. eating dinner with Britney. But JLS did go to Ruby Tuesday with her fiancé and then to a party (the mag says, "picture pick-up trucks and dirt road.") Lastly, Michelle Obama and Bill Clinton write letters to Us readers in "Spouse Debate 2008."
Grade: D- (kidney infection)

Life & Style
"How J. Lo Lost 40 Lbs." First of all, haven't they heard that Jennifer hates being called J. Lo? Second of all, one way to lose 40 lbs. is to have twins. Anyway: She exercises for up to 75 minutes 2 to 4 times a week, takes care of the twins, and eats egg whites for breakfast. Her secret weapon? Yummie Tummie tanks, which are like Spanx for your stomach. Moving on: Katie Holmes is having an identity crisis. She has body issues and wants to be more than just a mom. Her movie flopped at the box office and she has very few friends. Britney's father Jamie has arranged a meeting between Brit and Justin Timberlake at a family barbecue over the summer. The idea is to have her talk to someone from a positive time in her past. Meanwhile, Brit's son Jayden goes to a play gym for kids and does gymnastics and tumbling. A source says he's a "natural athlete." Courteney Cox and David Arquette are planning on adopting a kid. Lastly: Ashton Kutcher is starring in a movie with a pretty actress named Margarita Levieva — should Demi be worried? Off-camera and between takes, Margarita is playful with Ashton — she once even removed an eyelash from his cheek and he blew it off her finger.
Grade: D+ (urinary tract infection)

In Touch
"Britney Relapses." The story inside opens very dramatically: Doctors arrive at Brit's house for a scheduled visit and find her listless on the couch. They ask what's wrong; Britney replies that she's taken "a lot" of Xanax. Further inspection reveals she's only taken the correct dosage of 2 pills. They ask why she lied, she claims she's bored. Sources say she's also been picking at the scabs her scalp and claiming to have had sex with one of her bodyguards, but the sex part doesn't appear to be true. (The scalp scabs, unfortunately, are.) Moving on: Madonna's arms are more ripped and veiny than her husband's. Bobby Brown's autobiography will be awesome: In addition to saying "I had never used cocaine until after I met Whitney," he says, "I'm going into everything — from the bullets that were shot at me in Boston to the priest that tried to molest me." Jay-Z and Beyoncé may be married, but they are planning another more elaborate celebration in the South of France in May. Also: Nicole Richie and Joel Madden set up webcam dates while he's tour so he can keep up with Nicole and the baby. "Joel didn't want to miss a day of Harlow's life," a source spills. Jamie Lynn Spears is being reckless with her unborn baby! She's been off-roading in an ATV, lifting heavy bags of dog food into her car and going hunting with Casey. A pregnant teenager with a loaded shotgun is just so American.The List this week is single guys "Looking for Love" : Adrien Grenier; Josh Hartnett; Ryan Gosling and at number one, John Mayer.
Grade: C- (eye infection)

"More Than Just Friends." A source says that when Jennifer Aniston and Orlando Bloom saw each other at a party recently, "they were like heatseeking missiles." Jen and Orly met when Jen was married to Brad and he was working on Troy, so there's some history there. Plus, there's a picture from the Cannes red carpet in 2004 where Jen is holding Brad's arm but beaming at Orlando. But at the end of this story there is a little pink box reminding you that Orlando is actually dating Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr. Moving on: Britney might be designing for fugly cluttered t-shirt maker Christian Audigier. There's a random picture of Mariah Carey wearing a Hello Kitty band aid. Plus: A game called "Bad Dress Or Bump?" (Fig. 1) means that everyone MUST wear skintight clothing, otherwise they'll be considered pregnant. Beyoncé and Jay-Z are into the number 4: B was born on September 4; Jay was born on December 4; they were married on 4/4 — to honor the memory of Martin Luther King Jr, who was assassinated that day in 1968. A story called "Six Weeks Til Summer" instructs: 1) Book a bikini wax 2) Lose the winter weight 3) Get a beach body. Uh, thanks. A "Jungle Fever" beauty page includes a picture of Rihanna. Yeah, she's wearing leopard print, but WTF. (Fig 2) Lastly, on a picture of Gisele wearing shorts with the ass cheeks cut out, the caption reads, "The Job You Want: Gisele's Butt Flosser." (Fig. 3) Are they hiring writers from Maxim?
Grade: C (ear infection)

"Body After Baby!" Six pages of ladies who have lost weight after giving birth, followed b 2 pages of "Best Baby Bumps." What makes a bump the best??? Also inside: An audience member experience heart problems while she danced during Ellen DeGeneres's show and is threatening to sue. Did Lindsay Lohan tie the knot with Samantha Ronson? A source says they exchanged vows in early March at LL's home in L.A. Sam has a ring that says LL and LL has a ring that says SR. Plus, Lindsay refers to Sam as "my husband." Nicole Richie's 9-year-old little sister Sophia is going to be Harlow's godmother. Sweet! Blind item: "A very famous vertically challenged actor was so tipsy after dinner at L.A.'s Madeo on March 28 that he and his also intoxicated wife flipped a coin to decide who would drive home. She drove." Drew Barrymore's dog Flossie is taking an FDA-approved diet pill called Slentrol. Nick Lachey went to Scottsdale AZ with NFL star Matt Leinart and went wild. He went hottubbing with a bunch of girls, he took a blonde into a nightclub restroom while his bodyguard stood outside. Don't tell his girlfriend! A dying girl got a makeover from Jessica Alba and says, "Jessica's my guardian angel." Britney has been telling Kevin Federline that she loves him — and seems to mean it. Lastly: Courtney Love's blog reads: "I shoot straight from the hip and spellcheck has NOTHING to do with REALITY."
Grade: C (sinus infection)

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