Evangelical pastor Ed Young of Texas thinks his married followers should be having more sex with their spouses. Unlike most religious leaders who might find it a bit untoward to tape a pro-sex sermon while lounging on a bed, Young thinks the cure for the financial crisis and nearly any marital crisis — including infidelity, arguments, betrayals or porn addiction — is to fuck like God intended. To help his parishioners channel their inner horndogs, Young decreed that every married couple should knock boots every day for a week. His unmarried followers, however, should skip sex and, instead, "try eating chocolate cake." But chocolate cake is so... vanilla! Unlike ice cream, which comes in at least as many flavors as sexual proclivities. So, after the jump, in keeping with Young's advice, what ice cream you should be eating to prevent you from having the kind of sex you really, really want.
- If you are a fan of just regular, missionary sex, go get yourself some vanilla and an imagination.
- If you are slightly more adventurous and like to try out as many positions as possible before collapsing in a sweaty, sticky mess, Ben & Jerry's has a pint of "everything but the..." with your name on it.
- If sex just doesn't feel right until your muscles are strainged from trying out any of a number of porn-tastic positions, try B&J's "Caramel Sutra" instead.
- If you're on the rag but quivering with sexual desire, get yourself some Cherry Garcia and some expensive white sheets.
- If you're one of those women (or men) who just lives to get spooged on at the end, obviously Cold Stone's Cake Batter has your name written all over it.
- If you like to do a little pirate role-playing thing in the bedroom, parrot and peg-leg optional, get some of Häagen Dazs' Rum Raisin. And just pretend that the parrot and the peg leg are optional.
- If you like your men (or women) a little young — but still legal, obviously — get some of Cold Stone's Green Apple Gummy Bear.
- If you can't get enough of men or women (like George Hamilton, John Boehner or Lindsay Lohan) who are perma-tanned orange, and/or have a tanning bed fetish, try out Cold Stone's Orange Dreamsicle.
- If there's nothing you're craving more that a cock up your ass, you should probably get yourself a freshly-packed pint of Chocolate Fudge Brownie at the nearest B&J's location near you.
- But if you're really into asses more generally, they also make a slightly spicy Cinnamon Buns you could try.
- If there's just something about Ron Jeremy that just completely floats your boat, please just go buy a lifetime supply of Chunky Monkey and never tell anyone.
- But if you're hoping that there's just one, big way that Howard Dean resembles Ron Jeremy, get yourself a pint of B&J's Vermonty Python.
- If you get off more on angry sex or break up sex than anything, Häagen Dazs has your Rocky Road waiting at your local supermarket and my therapist has an open slot on Wednesday you can have.
- If you are a lactation festishist, they've got your Dulce de Leche, too, and there's probably going to be a breastfeeding woman somewhere in the supermarket anyway.
- If you just can't stop pestering your lover to do it again and again, B&J makes a S'more ice cream that he would probably just as soon you started eating because shit chafes after a while.
- If you're really into teabagging, Cold Stone has a Macadamia nut flavor that they can definitely add even more nuts to.
- Obviously, if you're more into the three-ways, Neopolitan is the way to go.
- And if you just can't go without a movie star hopped up on amphetamines — even though you're going to have to — grab a pint of B&J's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch and a box of Kleenex for whatever bodily fluids you might excrete from either grief or pleasure.