The other day I came across an article from GQ about the coaching of Sarah Palin. In the moments after Palin was chosen by the McCain ticket, a team of handlers, led by strategist Tucker Eskew, was called in to prep her for her debut. But the thing is, Eskew was also part of the South Carolina team behind the racist smears made against McCain in 2000. Then I remembered the recent Campbell Brown fracas with McCain talking head Tucker Bounds, and thought about noted bow tie enthusiast Tucker Carlson (pictured) and it hit me: all dudes named Tucker are entitled jerkwads! Trusty Intern Margaret helped me to compile the definitive field guide to Tuckers, after the jump. Proceed at your own risk!Let's start with the name itself. Is there something intrinsically assholic in those two syllables? It's an Old English name, meaning "garment maker" or "cloth cleaner." Some famous Tuckers throughout history include Preston Tucker, an automobile designer behind the "Tucker Torpedo," the production of which was suspended because of stock fraud accusations. He sounds like kind of a dick! However there's also Jonathan Tucker, who did a sex scene with Josh Lucas in the 2001 film The Deep End. We are not mad at him. Anyway, let's commence with the four terrible Tuckers currently sullying the nation's discourse:
Tucker Max Claim To Fame: Has built a career out of being the asshole of the century. He started a blog about being drunk and hooking up with girls in the halcyon early days of blogging, and rode his tales of jerkdom to moderate fame and mild fortune. His continued popularity — his book, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, has been on the New York Times bestseller list for years — only proves that there are a TON of assholes out there, which is completely depressing! Thanks for depressing us further, dick. Trademark Tucker:"My mom told me when I grew up I could be anything I wanted. So I became an asshole."
Tucker Bounds Claim To Fame: Bush media aid turned McCain spokesman, Bounds has had the unfortunate task of defending McCain's media manipulations and sometimes, outright lies. As Gawker noted, Bounds has become a "human piñata like Ari Fleischer and Scott McClellan before him." He was even told off by a Fox News anchor. Now that's an accomplishment, when you're a Republican flack. Trademark Tucker: Of Palin's foreign policy experience, Bounds said, "She's been the commander of the Alaska National Guard that's been deployed overseas. That's foreign policy experience." Only slightly more coherent than I can see Russia from my house.
Tucker Carlson Claim To Fame: Republican talking head Tucker Carlson used to co-host a show on CNN called Crossfire until Jon Stewart appeared on that program in 2004 and told Carlson he was a "partisan hack" who was "hurting America." Tucker was fired shortly thereafter, and he's since gone on to a tepid Dancing with the Stars performance in 2006 and a steady gig offering his partisan hackery to MSNBC. Trademark Tucker: "Anybody with any ambition at all, or intelligence, has left Canada and is now living in New York. Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he's nice but you don't take him seriously. That's Canada."
Tucker Eskew Claim To Fame: As previously noted, Eskew is the South Carolinian Republican who helped Karl Rove with those delightful smears against John McCain in 2000. You remember those, the ones where everyone accused McCain of having a black baby? Well McCain is apparently one to forgive and forget, since Eskew was the puppeteer behind Sarah Palin. According to ABC News, Eskew was brought onto the Straight Talk Express to "help Palin prepare for her Wednesday night acceptance speech at the GOP convention and for her stump speech as she hits the road, brief her on policy matters, and help her handle the media scrutiny a lifetime in Alaska does not necessarily prepare one for." Policy matters like race baiting! Trademark Tucker: He didn't say it directly, but according to some pundits Eskew is the mastermind behind Palin's "pals around with terrorists" speech. Are there any Tuckers fucking up your life? We'd really love a fifth to round out our list. McCain Hires GOP Operative Who Helped Smear Him in South Carolina in 2000 [ABC News] Palin, Alone Aboard the Bus [GQ] Dirty Tricks, South Carolina and John McCain [The Nation] Related: McCain Spokesman Told Off On All Networks [Gawker] Field Guide: Tucker Max [Gawker] Earlier: Jessicas Are All Pretty Bitches