For this week's installment of Woman Alive, we take a look at the volume Talking with Your Child. It's actually not so much about talking to your child, or to anyone for that matter. It's really just about looking at pictures of babies and kids, with the occasional explanation that they will destroy your life in one way or another, but parenthood be the best thing you've ever accomplished…unless the kids turn into pot-smoking hippies. Then you're just screwed. Anyway, let's open up that dialogue.I know I'm always saying that these books aren't made for women, but for extraterrestrials who want to understand humans. That was confirmed when I looked at the table of contents for this volume.
The book starts off with an introduction called "The Unchanging Child," and it features a bunch of images of children through the ages. This one of Madonna and child makes me very uncomfortable.
I guess I just didn't know that Jesus was born with genitalia so similar to Chyna Doll's. Then there's this terrifying portrait of an argument for sterilization.
Clearly, his direct descendant is Seth Green.
This photo was part of a collage about children developing personalities. If you ask me, the dog is totally upstaging this kid and his boring toy.
He's got LOL material written all over him!
This photo was in the chapter about how precious and beautiful babies are. The caption reads: "Does anything renew your faith and hope in life as much as the endearing, appealing, heart-warming smile of your beloved baby?" I dunno. I wouldn't let that kid kiss me, what with that herpes sore chillin' by her lip.
I know that I say that herpes is whatevs and all, but up top is the only place where I don't have herpes, and I'm certainly not about to contract an STD unless the "S" is involved. Know what I'm sayin'? And now it's time for our "Future Serial Killers of America" segment. Let's hurt animals!
And build dirty bombs!
And demonstrate an acquired taste for human brains!
And now it's time for our "Future Homosexuals of America" segment.
He's all, "You want me to wear that? Where's the wow factor here?" This was perhaps the most helpful thing in the entire book. This is a proposed craft project to teach your children where babies come from.
So, apparently the origin of babies has something to do with a donkey with balls that poops out sperm tails. Hmm...An ass with balls that poops out sperm? Hey little boy, I have a decal with a "wow factor" for ya!