Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where we're always willing to punish ourselves by reading celebrity weeklies so you don't have to! This week, the tabloids are all over the place: Us shuns a "gossip" cover in favor of a "Style Issue," but the other mags try and make up for it with pseudo-scandalous stories. Mariah and her maybe-baby land one cover; Jen Aniston's adventures in cosmetic procedures get another; Lindsay Lohan's "untold story" gets the third and Angelina Jolie's mental health wins the last. Intern Margaret assists as we dabble in masochism by reading and reporting on the contents of OK!, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, after the jump.

Us "The Style Issue." The mag conducted a photo shoot and interview with Hilary Duff, Lauren Conrad and Taylor Swift. Five pages of these ladies talking about clothes. Yawn. Lauren says, "I've thrown out stuff after seeing my own photos." And: "I'm always trying to hide my thighs." Intern Margaret deems the cover story "stupid and boring." Next: As previously reported, Kirsten Dunst's teeth look very different on the cover of Bazaar than they do in real life (Fig. 1). Lastly, there's a picture of Shenae Grimes from 90210 carrying food (watermelon, grapes and a styrofoam take-out container) — maybe to counter the previous "too thin" story? Grade: F (flagellation)

OK! "Untold Love Story." How, exactly, is Lindsay's story "untold"??? Anyway: The article is all old stuff about her relationship with Sam Ronson, but one new thing we learned: A source says "[Lindsay] recently bought Samantha a Red Bull, kissing her on the forehead and mouthing, 'I love you.'" Also inside: Is Demi Moore expecting? She went to a restaurant with Ashton Kutcher and ordered a non-alcoholic beer. There are baby pictures of Muhammad Ali's grandchild, Curtis Muhammed Conway Jr. Mom is Layla Ali, dad is a retired NFL star. Grade: F (flogging)

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Life & Style "Hollywood's Baby Boom!" So the magazine actually printed this sentence: "First came marriage — and now comes the baby carriage for Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon." A random source who saw Mariah at the airport says, "Mariah looked great, but she seemed to have put on a few pounds. Maybe she's pregnant — or at least planning on it!" Next up: Seven pictures of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel on vacation Italy, including one seriously creepy nighttime picture where the paparazzo was clearly stalking them during an intimate moment. A story called "Wild Hot Nights With Michael Phelps" insinuates that he's dating Doree Walker, a 34-year-old former Miss Alabama, or Amber Peterson, of Sunset Tan (as seen on E!). Or Stephanie Rice, or Amanda Beard. Lastly: Drew Barrymore made out with Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick, but she's not exclusive with anyone. An insider says "She just wants a man and grabbed the young, hot one." Another source says: "She has a new tongue piercing and wanted to try it out." Grade: D (cutting)

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In Touch "Jen's Had Lipo!" The headline of this story asks "Why Would Skinny Jen Have Lipo?" Intern Margaret says, "Maybe because you keep printing pictures of her in a bikini?" Basically a source says Jen had LipoDissolve on her butt and thighs, a procedure Britney Spears also reportedly had. It's an injection that removes unwanted fat, and because it's non-invasive, there's little recovery time. It's made from organic human compound, which sounds gross. Oh, and remember Jen's old nose? (Fig. 2) Also inside: More pictures of Jessica and Justin in Italy. Megan Fox may have spent $26,500 on her appearance: Nose job, lip injections and breast implants. Next: Angelina, Brad and the brood have moved to a 30,000 square foot mansion in Palais Schlosspark outside of Berlin with a private helicopter pad, which allows Brad to shuttle back and forth to the nearby set of Inglorious Bastards. Wolfgang Puck's restaurant CUT is decorated with celebrity portraits, and Heidi and Spencer now have their photographs hanging on the wall. Even though Tom Cruise loves to eat there, his picture isn't up. Meanwhile these dead-eyed portraits of Speidi will make anyone lose their appetite (Fig. 3). Jamie Lynn Spears is alone and Casey is sleeping on a friend's couch. Lastly: Lance Bass says, "It's scary for someone to come out because they know it will hurt their career — even now." In a sidebar called "Stars Go Public For Different Reasons," Lindsay and Sam join Clay Aiken, Ellen and Portia, Neal Patrick Harris and T.R. Knight in a gallery of gays. Grade: C (spanking)

Star "Angie Forced Into Therapy!" How does Angelina have the time to nurse newborn twins, take care of the other kids and move to Berlin and talk to a therapist? The mag says: "Angie started seeing the doctor daily for short power sessions, and has continued to get help via phone and web cam." Ah. The mag also says Brad "put her in therapy." Angelina thinks she's fat and barely touches her food. She's reluctant to be seen in public because although she's lost some baby weight she still hates her stomach. And she won't have sex with Brad because she doesn't want him to see her naked. Moving on: Someone yelled out "Prince" upon seeing Rihanna in London. Blind item: "What sexy actress has been anything but angelic on the set of her new TV show? Her costars are fuming after the dirty diva demanded more screen time and a bigger trailer." Chris Klein is losing his hair. Jennifer Aniston is in Mexico to hatch a plot to revive her lovelife, and her plan involves Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo had an Emmy party at his house and Jen was there; she brought beer and did an impersonation of George Clooney. A source says, "It was obvious she was in full-on cougar mode!" Next: Britney and Kevin hooked up several times at the Mondrian Hotel. Taylor Momsen, Katrina Bowden and Lindsay Lohan are "wasting away" (Fig 4). Mad Men's Jon Hamm had a troubled childhood; he was 2 years old when his parents got divorced. He lived with his mom, but she died when he was 10. Then he moved in with his dad and had problems with that. He says, "I spent most of my time sponging food from my friend's families and sleeping in their basements." He lives with his girlfriend, whom he's been dating for 10 years, but says: "I don't necessarily want kids. I don't know if it's for me. I think when people come from a stable family, having children becomes a celebration — and I'm not sure it would be that way for me." Also: Mary-Kate and Ashley both have boyfriends and the dudes hate each other. Lastly: There's a story called "Girls Gone Mild: Booze, Drugs, Sex Tapes — What Ever Happened To Those Good Ol' Days? These Hollywood Starlets Have Replaced Debauchery & Mayhem With Daycare & Monogamy!" and it features Nicole Richie, Christina Aguilera, Ashlee Simpson and more. Grade: C+ (sitting in the corner with a dunce cap)
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