Welcome back to Midweek Madness, for which we read the tabloid "news" so you don't have to! This week, Us brings you the "untold" story about Gossip Girl's Leighton Meester's crazy criminal family, most of which was in Star magazine back on September 3. (It's still juicy stuff!) Star's cover story is about poor little rich girl Suri Cruise and her desolate, stuffed-animal filled but playmate-lacking life. For reasons we cannot fathom, OK! decided to delve deep into the diet and workout regimen of Kim Kardashian. And it was all downhill from there. Intern Margaret assists as we head to the crapper and flip through the pages of OK!, In Touch, Star, Life & Style and Us, after the jump.

Life & Style "Devastated By Tragedy." Everything you need to know about DJ AM and Travis Barker's horrible plane crash. The mag choose Mandy Moore and Nicole Richie as cover subjects because they both had sex with AM at some point. Classy. Mandy has flown to see AM and Nicole apparently burst into tears when she heard about the crash. Moving on: Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown says," Curvy is the new thin." Is Taylor Momsen growing up too fast? She's fifteen and has been wearing very short dresses (Fig. 1). Lastly: Gerard Butler visited Jennifer Aniston's West Hollywood house around 5pm on September 20th and left 3 hours later, "grinning ear to ear." Was it a date? Grade: F (toilet seat with blood on it)

OK! "How I Stay Thin …But Keep My Sexy Curves." Kim Kardashian works out a lot! Even though the mag promises 5 ways to lose inches fast, it delivers 3 different things KK likes to eat: Crunch Bar Dibs, granola bars, chicken salad with almonds. Plus, she drinks water and likes to sleep. She wants to get in really good shape because she wants to have kids soon. Also, she's only 115 lbs but everyone thinks she's 130 because she looks bigger on TV. Next: Hugh Hefner says Sarah Palin would make a great centerfold. Lastly, Tom Cruise's sister Lee Anne Devette is running Tom's life; recently she's been going to his business meetings. Grade: D- (toilet seat sprayed with piss)

In Touch "Have They Split?" For the past two weeks, Brad Pitt has been on various business trips, which led Perez Hilton to report that he and Angelina Jolie had broken up. It's the same old stuff — he wasn't around! She might have post-partum depression! A source says when they were strolling in the garden, Brad tried to avoid her! (Intern Margaret says, "What is this, Pride & Prejudice?") There's a helpful graphic calendar of Brad's comings and goings for the month of September (Fig. 2) so you can keep track at home. Next: Drew Barrymore was spotted making out with her Whip It! co-star Landon Pigg. He's 25, she is 33; the mag questions if she is falling in love too fast. Meanwhile, Kirsten Dunst and Justin Long are dunzo. Moving on: An "exclusive" interview with Audrina (was it supposed to be the cover story?) about moving out of Lauren Conrad's house. She reveals the "real reason" she had to move out: "I felt like a guest and it was uncomfortable. It also didn't have enough storage space." She has purchased a 3 bedroom Tuscan-style villa in the Hollywood Hills. "My master bedroom has a balcony and beautiful views of the whole city. And there's a waterfall in the back." Well, you deserve it, Audrina. You've done so much! Also inside: Jessica Stroup and Dustin Milligan from 90210 are hot and heavy and there's a picture of them making out. Whitney from The Hills may be back with her ex, Ben Lyons. Verne Troyer has a new girlfriend, a 22-year-old model named Dominique. Vanessa Minnillo says: "My goal is to be acting and winning an Oscar." 10 stars who conquered eating disorders include: Jessica Alba, Anne Hathaway, Geri Halliwell and Portia de Rossi. Grade: D+ (warm toilet seat)

Star "Inside Suri's Lonely Life." Intern Margaret LOL'd at the cover line, "The Secrets She Tells Her Dolls." The story is all about how Suri uses baby talk to tell her "friends" the things she dreams about: A little sister and a pet. Apparently Suri went to the Build-A-Bear store with her dad, after hours, and the magazine offers extensive analysis of the stuffed animals she picked out: Bunny Big Ears, a stuffed beagle, a monkey, and a bear. A source says Katie is willing to get Suri a dog or cat, but Tom isn't. "He doesn't want pet hair on their nice furniture, or a dog or a cat jumping up on Suri's nice designer dresses." Moving on, there's another awesome headline on this Lindsay Lohan story: "Booze, Coke & Cutting!" Basically in the past few months Lindsay has been drinking, snorting coke, taking pills and showing up with cuts on her arm. She slips drinks under the table and when she drinks she craves cocaine. She was at a L.A. house party in August, got trashed and passed out before midnight and Sam had to put her to bed. Sam also hides razors from her. Also inside: Miley Cyrus has developed a vocal cord nodule and might need surgery. Blind item! "Which A-list actress is going bald? Sources say that too much styling and too few vitamins are causing her trademark red locks to fall out in clumps, and she's been wearing wigs to hide it." Lastly: In a "Diva Demands" story about what stars' contracts require backstage, Mariah Carey specifies bendy straws, Cristal champagne, Diet Coke, seltzer, Snapple and apple juice. Her tea must be made with Poland Springs water and her deli turkey has to be sliced precisely wafer-thin. Beyoncé needs juicy baked chicken: legs, wings and breast only; HEAVILY SEASONED!! Mary J. Blige insists that housekeeping not vacuum near her room and demands a brand new toilet seat, two humidifiers and a sofa of fine fabric, no leather. Grade: C- (no toilet paper)

Us "A Gossip Girl's Untold Story" As reported by Star earlier this month, Leighton Meester comes from a crime drama family. Her mom, Connie, was in jail serving a 10 year sentence when she gave birth to Leighton; he father, Doug, had also been arrested and served time for marijuana possession. Her mother wasn't small time, either: Connie helped smuggle 1200-pound shipments of marijuana on small private planes from Jamaica to the U.S. with her sister and elderly father. Even though she plays snooty Blair Waldorf, Leighton says,"It's hard for me to relate to people who were born with silver spoons in their mouths." She went to Beverly Hills High but didn't fit in; they made fun of her clothes. Question: Do we think she's had a nose job? (Fig. 3) Her 2002 nose seems different from her 2004… Next: Leo DiCaprio and Bar Refaeli are back on. Hugh Hefner says his relationship with Holly Madison is "in transition." Seems like she wants kids and he says it's not in the cards. But! Someone is moving out and getting a spinoff show, who could it be? A story called "Can You Believe They're The Same Age?" is fairly interesting: Sienna Miller and Britney Spears are both 26; Megan Fox and Amanda Bynes are both 22; Angelina Jolie and Drew Barrymore are both 33; Shannen Doherty and Mary. J. Blige are both 37; Courteney Cox and Sarah Palin are both 44. Grade: C (toilet paper that won't come off of the roll)
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