Last night I happened to catch The Best Damn Hooters Pageant Period, which was an old broadcast of the 2007 Hooters International Swimsuit Pageant. (Unsurprisingly, there were a lot of Cialis ads during the commercial breaks.) It was everything I wanted it to be and more. Held in an auditorium in Las Vegas, the judges were mostly sports guys I'd never heard of... and Tom Arnold, who was eating a sandwich for much of his on-camera time. Above, get a load of some of the contestants' hobbies and aspirations, and after the jump, get a load of some incredibly lopsided silicone breasts.Michelle Nunes was the winner of the 2006 Hooters International Swimsuit Pageant. I swear on Tyra Banks's life that I'm not trying to bodysnark Michelle. I just want to point out that she's a good example of bad plastic surgery.

Michelle was on hand to do some backstage, behind-the-scenes reporting. This included asking the contestants about their bikinis. (Notice that this girl covered up her tramp stamp for the competition.)

This also included showing the contestants asses getting sprayed with butt glue. I'm sure this was intended to be educational.

As far as I could tell, the only thing that was "international" about this competition was that there was one contestant from England and one from Canada. Everyone else was from the United States. What I didn't understand was that, unlike a more established pageant like Miss America, there wasn't a representative for each state. The way it was split up was so confusing. For example, there was a woman representing "New York State" and then there was this woman, representing "Downtown Atlanta." There wasn't anyone else there from another part of Atlanta. Why couldn't she just represent the whole friggin' city?

My favorite had to be this contestant:

She was representing Orlando Airport! Actually, there were several contestants from Florida - Miami, "Coastal Florida," Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa - proving that it is indeed the classiest state in the union. What didn't confuse me, though, were these shoes:

I think this is one of these rare instances in which clear heels can be considered "sensible shoes."