Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we suffer through the mind-numbing non-news in the celebrity tabloids so you don't have to. This very well may be the worst week ever for the weeklies. Three of five covers deal with bodies and weight loss. The other two? Jamie Lynn's wedding plans and Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise "news." Intern Margaret assists as we suffer punishing abuse by reading OK!, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, after the jump.

Life &Style
"Beach Panic: Bikini Diets: Lose Those Final Pounds Fast!" Eh, fuck you. Britney, Brooke Hogan and Jessica Alba are all eating less and working out more. BFD. We're supposed to panic? Oh, Also: Britney is "managing" the career of Paul Butcher, a rising tween singer who was on Zoey 101 with Jamie Lynn. Brit has time to "manage" someone? Really? Moving on: A story called "Shiloh's Acting Out" is about how the blonde Jolie-Pitt has been throwing tantrums, fighting and reverting to diapers because she's jealous of the twins and wants to be a baby again. A psychotherapist, Jenn Berman, who does not treat the fam says, "Shiloh's behavior is normal." Next: "What's Really Behind Jessica's New Hair!" Well, it's the same hair she's had for years but it's lighter now and this "makeover" signals that she's ready to start anew in her lovelife and career. Khloe Kardashian on her imprisonment: "The worst thing was solitary confinement. There's nothing to do except stare at the walls." She served 173 minutes of jail time. Michelle Willams is maybe dating Trevor DiCarlo, Heath's friend and fellow Aussie — not Spike Jonze, as previously reported. There's a pic of Trevor with Mathilda on his shoulders but it seems like something a guy would do for his late friend's daughter.
Grade: F- (multiple genital papercuts)

"Race To The Altar!" Jamie Lynn Spears is probably getting married at her house in Liberty, Mississippi in the fall. How this is a "race" to the altar — when she's already had her kid — is baffling. Or is she racing Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston? That makes no sense. Pals are predicting that John Mayer will proposed to Jen in the fall. This is an actual sentence from the article: "And engagement would make sense for the pair, who have been nearly inseparable since they became an item." Jessica can't stop gushing about how in love she is with Tony Romo but probably won't get married until after Ashlee gives birth, because Ashlee is obsessed with how she looks in photos and would never be agree to be a bridesmaid until she is thin again. Oh, Jessica still has her wedding dress from her marriage to Nick. A "pal" says after the divorce, she would cry herself to sleep at night holding the dress. Next: Did you know that Matt Damon and Hilary Swank are "Surprise Look-alikes"? (Fig.1) Gisele Bundchen is creating a "birthday surprise" for boyfriend Tom Brady: A calendar with her picture in every month. "She's got some racy lingerie shots, a birthday cake shot for August, and the expected picture of her in high socks and his jersey!" In a servicey move, OK! has a "Find A Man Map" with the 10 best states to nab a single guy. If you go to Illinois, you could meet some "really super" men and "find a fella to do the do-si-do with." Lastly, this picture of a squirrel eating ice cream was pretty much the only thing worthwhile in the mag (Fig. 2).
Grade: F (pencil in the eye)

"How They Got Thin Fast!" Eight pages of "Body After Baby" and diet tips? Not a fun read. Wanna know how these celebs got thin? Jennifer Lopez works out four to six days a week for 30 minutes to 2 hours; Jessica Alba is on a 1800 calorie NutriFit diet; Halle Berry does four to five hour-long workouts a week. How to get thin fast: Be rich and have plenty of time on your hands. Moving on: Britney's "new body" looks great in a white bikini in Mexico, color us jealous. Jon Voight visited Transformers costar Shia LaBeouf in the hospital and gave him a talking to about driving while intoxicated. "I feel Shia has learned a very big lesson. I think he's going to try to use his celebrity very wisely and for the betterment of man." Producers are figuring out which scenes they can shoot without Shia while he recovers. Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker's marriage is supposedly in "turmoil." Yet they were seen happy on the beach in Amagansett, NY recently. Lastly, there's a "What Ever Happened To… Olympic Gymnasts" story: Dominique Dawes is a motivational speaker and coaches kids on the weekends. Kerri Strug works for the U.S. Justice Dept. and runs marathons to stay in shape. Nadia Comaneci owns a gymnastics academy in Oklahoma with her husband Bart Conner and is Botox spokeswoman.
Grade: F, upgraded to F+ for gymnasts (boxed ears)

"Summer Weight Winners & Losers." Eight pages of old pictures of celebrties with judgments on their weight gains and losses. It's inconsistent: Anne Hathwaway is a loser for losing 25 lbs., but Nicole Kidman is a winner for losing 18 lbs. Also apparently Nicole lost her 18 lbs. in two weeks, but it seems that part of her "slim down" was giving birth. Moving on: Mary-Kate Olsen and Lindsay Lohan are fighting because LL has been seeing MK's counselor. Right now the life coach is with LL and she only works with one client at a time, so MK is outta luck! Britney's been offered a lot of money to do Playboy and she's considering it, because she is so proud of how she looks now. The story about Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker is called "Separate Lives." Apparently they're only together for the sake of their son. "Sarah told my wife that they've been out of love for a long time," says a guy who owns a store near their brownstone. Lastly, Brigitte Nielsen got a tremendous amount of plastic surgery on a German reality show (Fig. 3).
Grade: F+ (punch in the nose)

In Touch
"Out Of My House!" Katie Holmes used to live with Tom Cruise, his kids Isabella and Connor, his mom, his sister and the sister's two kids. But she's not having it anymore: She insisted that everyone except Tom, Isabella and Connor move out. The mom and sister and the sister's kids now live in a duplex apartment at the Scientology Center on Hollywood Boulevard. Moving on: Angelina's exhausted. There are clothes and toys strewn about her French chateau and Brad is euphoric, punch-drunk, happy-tired; but Angie is overwhelmed, even though they have four nannies and Brad's parents staying with them. Next: Ryan Seacrest "love triangle"? His sometime girlfriend Sophie Monk was seen kissing Maroon 5's Adam Levine. There's a sidebar on "What's Wrong With Madonna's Face?" about little David Banda: his biological dad has new wife and a new son. In Malawi. Is Sarah Jessica Parker "putting on a brave face"? She "refuses" to believe that Matthew Broderick cheated on her and a friend of her housekeeper says, "She seems happy." The story titled "Sam Worries That Lindsay Still Likes Boys" is about how Ms. Ronson is trying to get Ms. Lohan to come out. But apparently Lindsay is still attracted to men. She's bisexual. A relationship expert who has never met either of them says, "Sam should be worried based on Lindsay's history. Time will tell if Lindsay is really gay." Lastly, "Posh's thighs are back!" (Fig. 3)
Grade: D- (elbow to the ribs)
Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4