The pre-paid cell phone advertisement seen at left greeted me this morning at the cell phone store in Saarlouis, Germany where I stopped to buy a SIM card. If the tux and slicked-down hair are fooling you, that's Snoop Dogg, bringing you roses, 100 free text messages, 10 free songs and 10 (Euro) cents a minute phone calls. If you haven't been here yet, Germany's kind of a weird place for advertisements. Breasts are totally cool (obviously), the porn is more accessible than the fashion magazines, the fashion trends are just a touch behind (I think, but I'm no Sadie Stein) and they like dirty American words but rarely have a clue what they mean. Join me after the jump for the images that assault your eyeballs in Germany.

Is there a goth in the world that can afford Chanel? Are there goths left in the world? Is goth making a comeback because, um, well, I think I gave my thigh-high patent-leather boots to Goodwill and chucked my Urban Decay "Cadaver" lipstick in the trash a few months back, but I've still got 5 days to buy one in a similar shade if I'm going to need it.

This in an advertisement for wedding lingerie. In one of those "people everywhere are the same" moments, all my female friends looked at this advertisement and said (in German), "What the hell is with the rolling pin?" The guy that scanned it for me said, "Who is that girl?"

In a moment of linguistic hilarity, bras like this are known as "corsages" which my high school German teacher used to call "false friend Freddies." My friends died laughing when I wondered aloud why my friend was buying one at the dress shop and mentioned that I'd always gotten one for the prom from my dates.

Yeah, I don't know.

Unicum is some sort of vaguely nasty-smelling Hungarian liqueur that my friends have in their liquor cabinet. Their website has no English translation, but it seems to have nothing to do with unicorns or ejaculate, despite the obviousness of the name. From the smell, I'm guessing that a unicorn could totally have his way with me if I did drink enough of this.

The one great thing about fashion magazines in Germany is the editors' recognition of the need for more hot guys in their underwear. I'm not sure what Herr Beckham's selling [Underwear. -Ed.] or where to buy it, but I totally would.