New DNA tests have finally cleared JonBenet Ramsey's family from the 1996 killing, freeing them from the infamous "umbrella of suspicion" from investigators and pretty much everyone on Earth.• A combination of increased Internet time, alcohol consumption, and little sleep can result in "gradual gains in body weight" in adolescent girls. Hey! They do the same for non-adolescent women too. • A Danish zookeeper's cat adopted a "rejected" red panda cub to raise. Sadly, there is no video. • Polygamist leader Warren Jeffs has been hospitalized in Las Vegas under an assumed name and police guard. • Hey Jezebels! The winners of our Label Whores giveaway have been announced. Claim your prizes!

MARTHANEWS: Martha Stewart Living is expanding its craft line in Wal-Mart after the brand experienced woes at K-Mart. Oh Martha, Wal-Mart? Say it isn't so! • Three disabled English teens were awarded $9,000 in compensation after they were shooed away from a beauty salon because they were "scaring off customers." • Women over 70 are experiencing better sex more often although their male peers are reporting an increased amount of low sexual satisfaction. • A Texas teen has been delivering marijuana and LSD-laced treats to police stations. Dudes: relaaaaax. • A new non-calorie, natural sweetener called Truvia is being produced by Agriculture giant Cargill, Inc. • An old physics-teaching textbook brings women's accomplishments back to their looks. • Two Cape Cod teens score big with customers with jewelry they make from lacquered bug carcasses. • Oh what the hell, here's another adorable Japanese dog (a Frenchie named Fica) video. Watch the little lima bean snore!