Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we search desperately for refreshing gossip in the weekly tabloids. The covers are all over the place this week: Jamie Lynn's delivery details; Tori Spelling's miracle baby; celeb moms who are party girls and the Reese and Jake sitch. There's also the "Best & Worst Beach Bodies" cover, our least favorite kind. After the jump, Intern Margaret assists as we seek thirst-quenching "news" in Us, OK!, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, after the jump.

Life & Style
"From Party Girls To Moms." Christina Aguilera has been "clubbing up a storm" and almost made out with a girl she was grinding on the dancefloor with. Hubby Jordan stopped her. Nicole Richie misses her party pals and now when she goes out she has to bring her breast pump with her, sigh. As for JLS, she refused to go home to Kentwood with mom Lynn and is staying in Liberty, Mississippi with her baby and baby daddy in their own house. Also inside: Apparently Angelina's assistant (and good friend) Holly Goline is pregnant too! And due at the same time as Angelina! Everyone is panicking! Because Holly had a medical scare! But Angie called the hospital and said she was Angelina Jolie and needed someone right away, so the doctor made a house call. Everything's fine. Except Maddox and Pax set off some security alarms while climbing trees, so it's kind of chaos. Next: Tori Spelling has "lost the baby weight" already. Her kid was born June 9 and it is June 25. WTF. Is Will Smith secretly a Scientologist? Signs point to yes. Lastly: Nicole Kidman's "secret heartbreak" is that Isabella Connor never visit her. They're being raised as Scientologists and call Katie Holmes "mom" and Nicole "Nicole."
Grade: D (saltwater)

"Tori's Miracle Baby Girl" To be honest, we didn't read this entire cover story. But baby Stella Doreen, born June 9, weighing 6lbs and 8 ounces, is making Tori Spelling super happy. She's psyched to have a daughter, blah blah blah. Moving on: Another baby! Jamie Lynn wants little Maddie Briann to have a normal life that is more Kentwood than Hollywood. The mag claims that only medical professionals were in the delivery room with JLS and calls her "charmingly old-fashioned." Jennifer Aniston supposedly wants John Mayer to buy her a ring and pop the question. But! John's "friend" says he's not the marrying kind and Jen had better stop pressuring him or he'll dump her. Fuck you, dude. Also inside: When Kate Cruise hits Broadway, she'll be billed as the more familiar Katie Holmes. Tina Fey wants Oprah to be on 30 Rock. That would be awesome. Natalie Portman will be a Project Runway judge? Hmm. The "Best Pecs" spread includes Hugh Jackman, David Beckham and, drumroll please, Barack Obama (Fig. 1). Two pages on same-sex couples! Who will be the first to wed? All the lesbian couples (Ellen and Portia, Tammy and Melissa, Cynthia and Christine) will probably get hitched, the gay dudes (Neil Patrick Harris and TR Knight) have no plans, haha. The two—page story called "Get Your Man In Shape" includes the following tip: "Join a gym together and ask him how to use the machines." Seriously?
Grade: D+ (unsweetened lemonade)

In Touch
"Best & Worst Beach Bodies." Audrina Patridge, Matthew McConaughey and Gavin Rossdale are "best." Heidi Klum, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mariah Carey are "worst." But actually, judging people in their swimsuits is what is "worst." Moving on: Brad "left" Angelina… to go to a Radiohead concert in Italy. He went with Ed Norton and some other peeps and knew the words to of all the songs. He had the audacity to have wine and appetizers after the show even though this heavily pregnant wife was at home in France. Brad slept at George Clooney's house that night. Rough times. Also inside: Jamie Lynn has the daughter that Britney always wanted. Sob. Oh, and JLS named her baby Maddie Briann after the Madeline books she loved as a kid and her brother Bryan. Denise Richards says: "My kids are in therapy. It's really sad that they need to be there, but they do for now. On the other hand, it's good they have an outlet to deal with their feelings and someone who is just their advocate." Sam is 4 and Lola is 3. Does it the fact that mom has a reality show help? Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have been together for a month and she's already telling him "I love you." The magazine helpfully points out that Lance loves blondes: notches on his bike include ex-wife Kristin Richard, Sheryl Crow, Tory Burch and model Kim Strother. Meanwhile: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long love to party! The mag says Drew's "booze-soaked romance with Justin could be detrimental to her health and career." Let's not forget that Drew's been in rehab twice. Lastly: Corey Haim dated Victoria Beckham back in 1995, when she was Victoria Adams, aka Posh Spice. What if they had stayed together? Let that sink in.
Grade: C- (warm Mountain Dew)

"Jake Moves In!" Jake Gyllenhaal has moved into Reese Witherspoon's $5 million L.A. home, even though he still has his own $2.5 million bachelor pad in the Hollywood Hills. But! He keeps his stuff at her place and uses it as a home base. Moving on: Kristen Johnston says, "I realize I'm too skinny." She's 6 foot tall and 133 lbs. She says a burst ulcer spurred a 60 lb. weight loss and forced her to change her eating habits. She claims she only weighs 5 lbs. less than she did when she was on 3rd Rock but, whatever (Fig. 2). Next: Jamie Lynn Spears will breastfeed and has no plans to hire a nanny. Brooke Hogan is NOT happy that her mom has a teenage boyfriend. Brooke tells the magazine, "I know if I was 48 years old, I wouldn't date a 19-year-old." Brooke doesn't speak to her mom anymore, but their path cross at jail when they visit Nick. Lastly: Male bikini waxing is all the rage. Sean Diddy Combs says, "I wax my privates." And Jay-Z also thinks "bald is beautiful," according to the mag.
Grade: C+ (unsweetened iced tea)

"Delivery Room Drama!" Love the coverlines "Casey passes out, Britney flees." Doctors urged a C-section, but Jamie Lynn Spears refused. The baby's heart rate dropped everytime JLS pushed, and docs discovered that the umbilical cord was too short and wrapped around the baby's neck. The obstetrician had to cut the umbilical cord while the rest of the baby's body was still inside Jamie Lynn! That's when Casey fainted, fell to the floor and was out for 2 seconds. Also! The baby had neo-natal jaundice. Grandma Lynn Spears wants a DNA test ASAP because she's not sure Casey is the father— and neither is JLS. Next: Did Liv Tyler break up with her husband because of her "deep friendship" with Edward Norton? She doesn't know if she wants a divorce but Ed is "waiting in the wings" and has told his friends she is "the kind of woman every man dreams of having." Drew Barrymore is 3 years older than Justin Long, but has taken to calling him "daddy." She also asks him for permission to go out with her friends, eat candy and watch TV. Blind item! "Which pregnant actress isn't so honorable after all? She visited the DNA diagnostic center in NYC in April because she isn't sure who the baby girl's daddy is… But it's not her hubby." Heidi and Spencer don't sleep in the same room and if they weren't making millions as a couple, they'd be broken up for sure, a source says. They smile on film but fight as soon as the cameraman walks away. "Angelina's Pregnancy Diary" is about how she's recording the special moments of being knocked up in a book while on bed rest. She won't let Brad read it, but the mag has details! She's written in her journal regarding her daydreams about how the twins will look and sound and how she's ready for the twins to just come out already. Jennifer Aniston is so madly in love with John Mayer that she's looking into getting a $10,000 body makeover, including a botox, collagen and boob job. She also thinks a good way to show John that she's spontaneous would be to get some tattoos! Lastly: Nicole Richie is ready for another baby! And the mag says it looks like she's already hiding a new baby bump and has been wearing loose clothes. Plus, she was seen drinking water when everyone else was drinking champagne, so she must be pregnant.
Grade: B- (cold NYC tap water)
Fig. 1

Fig. 2