5 Reasons Heels On Kids Are A Bad Idea

Ever since Suri Cruise sashayed into a pap’s sight line in a pair of tiny kitten heels, the debate has raged: should little girls wear heels? Here’s why not:

1. Um, They’re Bad For You: Kids don’t need back problems, fallen arches, or hammertoe. Especially when their bones are growing and developing. They’re low, you say? You’ve heard the term “gateway drug?” And what kids do need? Shoes they can easily run and play in.

2. Kids in Heels Cuts Down on Opportunities for Cuteness: I don’t want any little girls to be too jaded to stomp around in her moms’ shoes. Oh, and no one’s dancing on daddy’s feet in stilettos.

3. At this point, if a little girl wears heels, she is officially copying a fashion trend started by Suri Cruise. This kind of slavish celeb worship should be discouraged at an early age.

4. Kids Don’t Need to Look Tall: No one’s gonna pat them on the heads, patronize them or not give them jobs because they don’t looks sufficiently adult. (At least, not just because of that.) They also don’t need their non-existent breasts and little girl tummies thrust out in a flattering manner. And any kid young enough for heels to be borderline has hopefully never had to ride the subway alone and grind a pervert’s instep, which as we all know is one of the high heel’s primary raisons d’etre.

5. Kids Haven’t Earned Heels: Heels, like cigarettes and excessive alcohol consumption, are one of the we-know-it’s-bad-for-us adult privileges that kids haven’t earned. And there are worse things than having something to look forward to – even if when you get there, you decide you don’t want it.