We're All Straight Here, But Sperm Annoys Us

Illustration for article titled We're All Straight Here, But Sperm Annoys Us

There's a new book called Sperm Count out about the history of sperm and the role it has played in our culture. Nerve has an interview with the author, Lisa Jean Moore, if you can stomach it (there's a lot of bukkake talk).

Now there are all these videos—Sperm Guzzlers, Cum Guzzlers Volumes 1 though 27—and part of what's going on is that men are getting to experience the idea that their semen doesn't need to be blocked or sanitized. Instead, women just can't get enough of it, and it's cherished and delicious and fabulous.


We'd like to take a moment to address this sentiment with a big, Whitney-style "Hell to the naw!" We're not the squeamish kind when it comes to bodily functions, but we also wouldn't describe splooge as "delicious and fabulous." After reading that interview, we instantly thought of plenty of instances where we could get enough of sperm. After the jump, the top five times and places when semen pisses us off, in ascending order.

Under Our Nails: We sorta feel for porn stars because they have those crazy ass corn chip nail tips that are like SWV-esque. How do they deal with cum claws? It's like an occupational hazard, we suppose.

In the Belly Button: When dudes pull out (and yes, some of us are into that) and spray it on you, it sucks when it gets in your belly button. For real, it's hard to clean it out, and it seems to stay extra sticky once it pools in there.

Up the Nose: There are few more disgusting things than having to breathe through your mouth because you're all stuffed up with semen.

In the Shower: Sex in the shower always seems like a good idea until you actually start to go through with it and you realize you can't get the right position, and the water is only hitting one of you and you don't really wanna press your back up against the mildewy tiles. But the worst part is when the hot water hits the dude's cum and it sort of cooks it and then it gets this consistency of egg whites and it's just totally nasty and then when you get out of the shower you have to peel it off the soles of your feet like it's eyelash glue. And, speaking of eyelashes...


In the Eye: This is probably the worst place to experience a money shot. It burns really bad. And if you're wearing waterproof Maybelline Great Lash, you're screwed. You'll need a crowbar to get your eye open after that.

Q&A With The Author Of Sperm Counts [Nerve]



Because I'm a "fixer" - something helpful for removal: Dr. Bronners Peppermint soap. It does a great job of removal, specifically with the egg-white consistently mentioned re: the shower. Squirt a little on the floor and, careful not to slip, you can get it off the tiles and your toes. It'll also do a number on that hard to reach belly button crust.