The One Thing (Besides Take A Dump) You Never Do In Front Of Dudes

Illustration for article titled The One Thing (Besides Take A Dump) You Never Do In Front Of Dudes

About ten of you have emailed from Esquire about the things a man should never do in the company of a woman, like cleaning your gun or talking about the girls you used to fuck or "rapping" or blow-drying their hair. It's fun but not incredibly accurate; most of the dealbreakers, like calling a girl a "whore" in a way that isn't a term of endearment, or tipping less than 20%, are things we wouldn't want guys to be doing in front of anyone, Supreme Being included. (Ditto for talking about past conquests: if you find his descriptions of getting laid off-putting, isn't that just a sign you probably shouldn't do him?) So we thought we'd alter the list and unisexify it. Is there anything you only do in the presence of God and maybe pets? Besides taking a dump, that is. We asked our friends! And weirdly, dudes and females alike all said the same thing:

Pluck facial hair! Even Don does this alone. Huh?

The big runner-up for dudes was picking the nose. For girls it was, perhaps unsurprisingly, tampon related. Most of us will insert a tampon in the presence of others, but not pull out. Unless you're having sex. In which case it's kind of awesome and dirty if he pulls it out, though only commensurately with how gross and dirty it is if you can't find it in the morning and then one day, say, you spot it in the corner just as the cable guy shows up in your room.





@PretentiousMusings: So here's the thing, some women really don't like video games. I know this is hard to understand, I personally don't get it at all. My favorite times with my ex-boyfriend typically involved a rousing game of Halo or Madden on the xbox, BUT, a lot of women really don't like them so count yourself as extremely lucky.