JonBenet's Family Cleared Of Suspicion In Murder • Polygamist Leader Hospitalized In Las Vegas

Illustration for article titled JonBenets Family Cleared Of Suspicion In Murder • Polygamist Leader Hospitalized In Las Vegas

New DNA tests have finally cleared JonBenet Ramsey's family from the 1996 killing, freeing them from the infamous "umbrella of suspicion" from investigators and pretty much everyone on Earth.• A combination of increased Internet time, alcohol consumption, and little sleep can result in "gradual gains in body weight" in adolescent girls. Hey! They do the same for non-adolescent women too. • A Danish zookeeper's cat adopted a "rejected" red panda cub to raise. Sadly, there is no video. • Polygamist leader Warren Jeffs has been hospitalized in Las Vegas under an assumed name and police guard. • Hey Jezebels! The winners of our Label Whores giveaway have been announced. Claim your prizes!


MARTHANEWS: Martha Stewart Living is expanding its craft line in Wal-Mart after the brand experienced woes at K-Mart. Oh Martha, Wal-Mart? Say it isn't so! • Three disabled English teens were awarded $9,000 in compensation after they were shooed away from a beauty salon because they were "scaring off customers." • Women over 70 are experiencing better sex more often although their male peers are reporting an increased amount of low sexual satisfaction. • A Texas teen has been delivering marijuana and LSD-laced treats to police stations. Dudes: relaaaaax. • A new non-calorie, natural sweetener called Truvia is being produced by Agriculture giant Cargill, Inc. • An old physics-teaching textbook brings women's accomplishments back to their looks. • Two Cape Cod teens score big with customers with jewelry they make from lacquered bug carcasses. • Oh what the hell, here's another adorable Japanese dog (a Frenchie named Fica) video. Watch the little lima bean snore!

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I hope Warren Jeff's dick is slowly turning green and falling off, without any hope of a medical cure.