Halloween Horrors: GOP Ghouls Are Suing, Singing And Scaring America

Illustration for article titled Halloween Horrors: GOP Ghouls Are Suing, Singing And Scaring America

It's Halloween, which means only 4 more days until Americans hit the polls, so the Republicans are pulling out all the stops — other than the ones they put into place to disenfranchise voters — to convince the populace that Democrats are scary. From race-baiting to hate-mongering to denying that candidates go to Church (and with a little side of Minnesota litigiousness), they really, really think Real Americans shouldn't elect any Democrats this year. To end the week and terrify us all, Gawker editor Alex Pareene (and the first guy to ever pay me to write about politics) is here to help identify the razors in the candy-coated conservative goodness we'll be served this weekend.ALEX: HAPPY HALLOWEEN! MEGAN: I'm already in costume! I'm dressed like my mother, insofar as I'm wearing the same fleece bathrobe she owns. ALEX: Hah I'm dressed as 'Joe the Dirtbag'. MEGAN: My exes do tend to be easy to mock. ALEX: John McCain really did open up the 'political Halloween costume' field with this Joe the Plumber stuff, a smartass can dress as just about anything now and it's "relevant" and "clever." I am imagining running into a few "sexy Joe the Plumbers" tonight, and maybe Michelle Malkin will go as "sexy Jawad the suspected terrorist" MEGAN: I'm guessing Michelle Malkin goes as an unironic Sarah Palin. ALEX: Haha probably. i'm not sure she has a well-developed sense of irony. MEGAN: So, shall we talk politics? ALEX: SIGH. I GUESS. I keep reading the pieces about "what will you do when the election's over to keep yourself occupied?? will you suffer withdrawal??". Me, I am going to watch like 10 episodes of House on USA. MEGAN: I am going to get up the next morning and write about it through my hangover. The only thing I might have withdrawal from is Diet Coke. ALEX: Haha on November 5th I, like Norm Coleman, will quietly drop my lawsuit against Al Franken. MEGAN: I kind of hope, win or lose, Kay Hagan continues with hers. I'd like to see Liddy Dole defend that shit on the stand. ALEX: Oh man, yes. I think that suit has a little more merit MEGAN: I don't even care if it has merit, I want to see Liddy Dole take an oath to tell the truth and then be forced to tell it: she did it to win, knew it was false and misleading, and didn't think she'd be called to account for it. Actually, really, she's just a surrogate for what I'd like to see happen to George Bush and John McCain next year. It's transference. Only I would like to see her, too. ALEX: Yes a long national process of healing should begin, and that healing should involve symbolic and in some cases literal tarring-and-feathering of just about everyone involved in the last 8 years of bullshit. MEGAN: I think tarring and feathering wouldn't be as good as getting the largest stadium in the country, auctioning off tickets for a charity that they'd hate, dressing them all in ostentatious drag and forcing them to perform Mamet. ALEX: Haha yes, "A special performance of sexual perversity in Chicago to benefit the ACLU, starring Harriet Myers and Justice Alito." MEGAN: Other ideas include "Beauty and the Beast" and "South Pacific," but that's only because I want to see Cheney sing "Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair" ALEX: A brilliant new direction for the Correspondents Dinner, frankly. MEGAN: Anything would be a better direction for that. ALEX: An Obama presidency bodes well for those terrible events, he has a good sense of stagecraft and theater. In a John McCain presidency, they'll be full-on WWII USO shows or something, with the reincarnated Andrews Sisters hosting, while Obama's army of brainwashed children for change will usher in a new era of Washington DC entertainment. MEGAN: Maybe Obama could do an X-rated hypnotist's act? ALEX: Yes! "Worse yet, his hypnosis probably has at least some effect on millions. Jews voting for the candidate endorsed by Iran, Hamas, Farakhan, and Khalidi should be a wake up signal that something is not Kosher." MEGAN: Oh, unintentional irony, how I love thee. "Vote instead for the candidate most beloved by Osama bin Laden. He kills all Americans equally." ALEX: You know who else hypnotized millions of Jews? Jackie Mason. MEGAN: Him and Richard Lewis. Jerry Lewis obviously did something to the nation of France. ALEX: Hah, wait, can we get back to the Norm Coleman lawsuit? Because the UPI story does not mention that Coleman does this every election. He sued Wellstone for "distorting his stance on Social Security," which is obviously actionable, and he sued Hubert "Skip" Humphrey III in 1998 for being unfair. MEGAN: Man, he sues more than most politicians masturbate. ALEX: He is always with the frivolous lawsuits! I wanted to mention this also to introduce non-Minnesotan readers to Skip Humphrey, son of legendary presidential loser Hubert huhmphrey. Three generations of Humphreys have been losers now, because Skip's son BUCK Humphrey lost a Minnesota election in 2002. And the Humpreys were early pioneers of the Sarah Palin style of naming children. Skip! Buck! Track! Trig! MEGAN: Hubert, Skip and Buck are not great names. The family names in my family — Leon, Pelig — are why we don't run for office. But Humphrey isn't great, either. I look at it and think "harumph," and then I have a mental image of a grunting elephant shuffling off. You know, like Kissinger. Or Eagleburger. ALEX: Oh, Eagleburger. "She will be adequate," just like Lindsay Lohan. MEGAN: That's what I figure SNL will be like this weekend. Adequate. ALEX: Yes between that and the Al Smith dinner performance, John McCain has a rich post-election career waiting for him in the Catskills. MEGAN: Man, don't sic him on my parents! My mom couldn't be more excited to vote against him and Sarah Palin this week. She shits on him more than cats in Columbus, Ohio do. ALEX: Having been in Ohio during the 2004 election I can verify that that is pretty much how they decide it every time. MEGAN: Fucking Ohio. ALEX: Honestly if Obama can win this without Ohio and Florida that will be the best thing that happened to this country, we cannot continue giving those states the attention they're so clearly desperate for. MEGAN: They're like that girl in the bar who loudly orders shots like "blow jobs," kisses girls and throws up. ALEX: Haha yes. MEGAN: And "accidentally" shows her nipple. ALEX: Ohio and Florida will be dressed as sexy swing states this Halloween and it is our duty to call them a cab early, before Florida starts in with "This is their chance to get a black president and they seem to care little the he is at minimum a socialist and probably Marxist in his core beliefs." MEGAN: I mean, the Republican party is basically becoming a Wall of Racist Shame. ALEX: The recent shit with Khalidi has been infuriating me, that is not some random crazy in the sticks, that is people at a Palin rally booing an American-born academic for having a foreign name. McCain comparing him to a Nazi was astounding. MEGAN: I was talking about this last week with Latoya and she was like, between the primaries and the election, party leaders have allowed racists to think, more than ever, that such statements are not only acceptable but that they were wrong in thinking that they were in the minority. What infuriates me is that, 8 months ago, he stood up at one of his own meetings and shouted down a woman who was like, "kick all the immigrants out!" and he was like, "Do not sit there and tell me I should go to a soldier in Iraq and tell him I'm going to deport his mother. I'm not going to do it." What happened to that guy? ALEX: Yes, the guy who said that OF COURSE the progressive income tax isn't SOCIALISM you IDIOT a couple years ago. I think that was the same guy! MEGAN: What happened to the guy that took down Jack Abramoff that he would hire Timmons and Randy Scheunemann, among others? The guy who, in 2000, accused GWB and Karl of race-baiting in the primaries because of the "black baby" phone calls? ALEX: I think he's the guy who thought his record and personal honor were so impeccible that honestly everyone would know he didn't actually MEAN it when he did this shit, just like everyone knew he didn't actually MEAN it when he supported the Confederate flag in 2000. MEGAN: My grandmother was convinced he'd had a stroke. ALEX: He has that condition whereby you are unable to figure out why you don't get a free pass from the press for running a disgusting campaign even though you're such a great guy at heart, I think I saw House diagnose it once. MEGAN: Well, but he promised not to run on Wright, right? Why isn't that good enough for you, Media, why? [shakes fist at sky] ALEX: Haha until Michael Goldbarb shows up on CNN to talk about the mystery anti-Semite Obama is associated with. Honestly the fact that they're letting idiot blogger Michael Goldfarb act as an official campaign surrogate is proof that they've completely lost it, there are no grown-ups at that campaign. MEGAN: "We both know who I mean, Rick." ALEX: Right? "YOU KNOW." MEGAN: And Rick is all like, "Say it, bitch, have the courage of your convictions" and Goldfarb's all like, "But, like John McCain, I don't have any. Neil Cavuto said so" ALEX: Yes well Cavuto's just IN THE TANK. MEGAN: Man, that tank is getting kind of full, I hope it has a good filtration system and no one pees in the water. We're looking at you, Scotty McClellan. ALEX:

This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.
This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.

Here's the tank. I can see Cavuto, Joe Klein, everyone at Politico, the New York Times... the LA Times of course (did you know they're based in CHICAGO JUST LIKE BILL AYERS?) MEGAN: Hollywood, don't forget Hollywood except for Gary Sinise. ALEX: Haha yes. Hollyweird celebs trying to tell you what to think. They're not Real Americans like Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton. MEGAN: They're trying to hypnotize us, too!

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On Nov 5th, I will either be giddy and hysterical with joy or face-down in a shuddering heap.

Or being rounded up by Bush's police, after martial law is declared.