Conservatives Deeply Concerned By Gay Comic Book Character's Impending Marriage

Illustration for article titled Conservatives Deeply Concerned By Gay Comic Book Character's Impending Marriage

It looks like Glenn Beck should have saved his ire for the Archie comics rather than losing it over the new biracial, gay Spider-Man (particularly because Miles Morales is heterosexual). It was announced today that Archie's friend Kevin Keller will get married to a man later this year. Conservatives are extremely upset because if there's one thing that influences today's kids, it's Archie comics.


Like the new Spider-Man, Kevin exists in an alternate universe, which features stories about the possible future of Archie and company. He was introduced last year, and according to a press release, "Kevin followed in his father's footsteps and is returning to Riverdale as a war hero, but that's not all – It's Kevin's wedding day!"

Of course, unhinged homophobes are vehemently opposed to the idea of a gay war hero having the same rights as other heterosexual cartoon Americans. Peter Spriggs, a senior fellow at the Family Research Council, tells Fox News:

"It's unfortunate that a comic book series usually seen as depicting innocent, all-American life is now being used to advance the sexual revolution. I think whatever boost in sales might come from the novelty or curiosity factors will be more than offset by the number of both kids and parents who will be turned off by this storyline and its obvious social and political agenda.

Yes, clearly a comic book that depicts "innocent, all-American life," shouldn't reflect the fact that innocent Americans are marrying people of the same sex. As Mediaite's Jon Bershad explains, two dudes getting married in a comic book few kids still read will have grave consequences:

With this comic book coming out (no pun intended) and Chaz Bono dancing with stars, it's only a matter of time before every child out there is a gay married transsexual. Because, as all science will tell you, children merely have to set eyes on LGBT people and they instantly turn into one themselves. It's like the alternate lifestyle version of Medusa and stone.


Archie Comics Announces Gay Character Will Marry — Will Anyone Object? [Fox News]
Prepare For The "Outrage": Archie Comics To Feature A Gay Wedding [Mediaite]

Earlier: Glenn Beck Thinks Michelle Obama's Behind The New Biracial, "Gay" Spider-Man


Ari Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark

Typical conservatives, masking the real debate.

The fact of the matter is that we aren't asking why we continue to allow for the outright torture of children on American soil with Archie comics.

I demand answers.

Every day, at least seven, maybe eight kids are excited when their otherwise caring parents come home and announce, "I bought you a comic!" only to be handed an Archie. This is akin to telling someone, "Let me treat you to dinner!" and then taking them to Arby's.

It's not right, people. And nobody is asking why this is happening. No longer.

Today, I have formed "Americans for an Archie-Free America."

Our mission is simple: we wish for the end to all Archie-related activities in the United States. Never again will an innocent child be subject to the terrible whims of a comic so boring it has made Mary Worth seem like fun.

Today marks a new era. An era when hearing "I bought you a comic!" will never again be met with trepidation, but joy. Join me, friends, and we will take down the Archieverse... FOREVER.