Grab Your Rubbers, It's National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

May 2 is the National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy — otherwise known as the National Day to Pretend That Pulling Out Doesn't Feel Better. Kidding! (No I'm not.) Anyway, MTV has produced a PSA—starring some of the girls featured on this season of 16 & Pregnant—despite the fact that this seems like a conflict in interest for a network that has three very successful series based on unplanned pregnancies in its roster (16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom, and Teen Mom 2). And MTV is about to add two more (Teen Mom 3 and Jersey Shore, featuring a young, pregnant, unwed cultural oddity).

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Does MTV seriously expect us to believe that they want to prevent potential ratings boosters? All kidding aside, it is a noble cause, but these young ladies perhaps aren't the best individuals to promote it. First of all, they all look too put together. It's not real; it's polished for television. Cautionary tales should be as frazzled and stained and unkempt as possible and should never involve eyeliner. Also, these girls have a tenuous grasp on the English language, at best. As one girl says:

Think about having sex before you have sex. See how you might think he loves you or you love him but once it gets real and a baby comes in the picture never never ever ever let your feelings take over reality.

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I'm sorry, what the fuck does that mean? Doesn't everyone think about having sex before they have sex. Usually, sex is the only thing on the mind immediately preceding the act. Also, how do feelings take over reality? Feelings, both physical and emotional, are a very big part of reality.

If you don't want teens getting pregnant, make them look at pictures of episiotomies, infected C-section incisions, or, oh, I don't know, my deflated, chewed up tits. Don't talk about love and feelings and boys and health and some vague notion of "protection." Talk about blood and gore and the trauma one experiences when she has to penetrate her infant's asshole with a baby enema. Scare the shit out of them with stories of how grotesque giving birth is and how abortions are basically like sliding down a rainbow of tickles in comparison. Because honestly, kids are gonna keep having sex and keep being stupid idiots about it.

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DISCUSSION

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labeled: crazy aunt kanye

God, fuck all of this so hard. You know why telling them about your horror stories won't work? Because they live in a magic bubble where "It won't happen to me."

I am here to tell you, parents, talk to your teens about Norplant (or whatever the name of the newer "sticks" are) or Depo. Because they will not listen to you. Even when you know in your heart they're smart, confident, and know what's up... you don't know. They might be binge drinking and throwing up their pills, when/if they remember to take them. They might have a controlling asshole of a boyfriend who convinces them that it feels better. (Jesus, Tracie must have one magic vagina to notice that difference. She should be banging unicorn horns instead of humans.) Or they might be out of condoms and the student center was closed and... Protect against it while you can.

Because they're kids and they'll do dumb things, but you're an adult and can help them. And trust me when I tell you, you do not want to be holding your daughter's hand during her abortion, as she sobs through the iv sedation and tells you she loves you, Mommy.