Some Nutjobs Think Hillary Clinton Faked Her Concussion

Illustration for article titled Some Nutjobs Think Hillary Clinton Faked Her Concussion

Today, the State Department released its internal investigation into BenghaziGate, which cited "systemic failures" and resulted in the resignation of three officials. But where, oh, where, is the Madame Secretary of State? Hillary Clinton was scheduled to testify tomorrow about the Libyan tragedy, and the GOP is adamant that she does so. But an immunologically defiant Hillary will stay at home, recovering from the concussion she sustained last week when she had a stomach virus, became dehydrated and fainted. Sure, Deputy Secretaries of State Bill Burns and Tom Nides will testify in her place. And, sure, she is reading the report from home and promises to follow its recommendations. And, sure, resting is standard doctor-recommended post-concussion procedure. But is that really all there is to the story?

The right-wing truth-tellers (RWTT™) may have caught Clinton in a devious lie. Fox's Megan Kelly and Monica Crowley as well as The Daily Caller's Jim Treacher have all suggested that Hillary is faking her illness to avoid testifying about Benghazigate. And John Bolton, the notoriously charming Bush-appointed ambassador to the UN, said, "You know, every foreign service officer in every foreign ministry in the world knows the phrase I am about to use. When you don't want to go to a meeting or conference, or an event, you have a 'diplomatic illness,' ... And this is a diplomatic illness..." Ah ha! An experienced fake-sicker, John Bolton knows playing hooky when he sees it.

If only the rest of us would wise up. After all, there is a long history of politicians faking their illnesses, diseases and disabilities. Here is a mere sampling:

  • George W. Bush faked illiteracy so Condoleezza Rice and Dick Cheney would summarize all written documents for him.
  • Bill Clinton: faked heart disease so he could transition to a vegan diet without being called vain.
  • George Herbert Walker Bush said he had the flu but actually made himself throw up on the Japanese prime Minister to avoid dinner, which included broccoli.
  • JFK: faked asthma because Marilyn Monroe considered it sexy.
  • Joseph Stalin faked psoriasis because Lenin considered it sexy.
  • FDR: feigned polio and paralysis because he found getting up to greet people unbearably tiring.

So, Madame Secretary, clear you name! Prove that you were sick. Or, maybe, just maybe, act like a true patriot, get out of bed, and testify. Just make sure you bring a barf bag.

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Ari Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark

On the bright side, she didn't fake being sane. Can't say that about most of the GOP.