55-Gallon Drum of Lube Makes a Terrible Dog Swimming Pool, Says Amazon Reviewer

Illustration for article titled 55-Gallon Drum of Lube Makes a Terrible Dog Swimming Pool, Says Amazon Reviewer

Do you ever look around your sex dungeon, see the desiccated fuck-doll crocheted out of all the pubic hair you've collected from public restrooms over the years, and think, "You know, I could really use a 55-gallon drum of water-based personal lubricant"? If this is the sort of dilemma you regularly find yourself facing, Boing Boing's Rob Beschizza (not to mention mondo lube pitchman Nick Bergus) sure does have some good news for you — that 55-gallon drum of sex lube is just an Amazon click away.


Such a large quantity of lube isn't cheap — it'll run you $1,263.80. I know, I know — in this economy, who has that kind of cash to spend on sexual deviance? Before you sheath your credit card, though, consider glowing testimonials like this one from Malcolm:

A little over a decade ago, I bought my 55 gallon drum of lube. I never thought I'd use it all but a few days ago the pump finally ran dry. I've had a lot of good times with it. My wife, too. And not just what you'd think. One day I just hosed down our hardwood-floored hallway so I could use it as a slip-n-slide. You shouldn't think of this as a 'purchase.' It's an 'investment.' An investment sure to pay off in spades.


See? It's an optimistic investment for your sexual future. Dog owners be warned, however — Greg M. writes that the lube barrel makes a less-than-ideal above ground pool for your lapdog:

Do not put small/medium sized dogs in this 55 gallon barrel of lubricant!!!! The dogs can not swim well in the lube and just sink to the bottom!! Terrible!!!

Really, where would the Internet be without hilarious Amazon reviews? These people all deserve some kind of special literary award, to be presented to them by a particularly cantankerous Nobel Prize winner.

[Boing Boing]

Image via Amazon

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I have a friend who used to run sex ed events that were sponsored by Wet Lube. As a result, he used to have boxes and boxes of 1/2 gallon pump lube bottles around the house. He had a party at his place and I was sitting between two people who lived with him. One person said, "God there's a lot of lube in this house," and the other, as part of a different conversation said, "I think we have Twister around here somewhere." My brain was the meeting point of those two statements, and 10 minutes later, we had the living room completely tarped down, a Twister mat in the middle, and three of us were naked and covered in lube, and Naked Lube Twister was born. I'm just impressed that no one broke any teeth.

The only real issue was that, after we were done (a forth person eventually joined us), we realized that, while we had protected the carpet and the furniture, we had not planned out any way to...de-lube ourselves. We ended up shuffling across a large tile floor on towels, negotiating our way up two flights of stairs, and then shuffling on more towels down a hallway to a bathroom. To this day, there is still a lubed hand-print on the wall of one of the stairwells.