Have you ever seen anything more hilarious than a tiny child who is not old enough to appreciate fine dining be subjected to the classiest food and service available? I haven't, but that's because I don't get out a lot. And because there is nothing funnier than a four-year-old who can't read a menu. Well, maybe a bunny jumping rope with a twizzler, but life isn't fair.
Little Evan Huelsbeck hates salad and loves "lots of stuff," which is why he was a perfect candidate for The Bold Italic's brave and hilarious series about kids reviewing food they've never tried before. And because Evan hates salad, he was whisked off to Animal, an LA eatery where there was nary a green in sight. As these things often go, however, Evan had problems right from the beginning.
When we arrived, Evan confidently let everyone know that he couldn't read the menu – because he can't read. Still curious, he asked the manager, "Why is the menu so wiggly?"She informed him that it was "printed on wiggly paper." TOUCHÉ! Satisfied with that answer, Evan moved swiftly to ordering. "Could I get some toast? What does your toast come with? Can I get some butter on some toast?" Maybe he can read, after all, because they do have toast on the menu. Instead, I asked for "the weirdest stuff you have,"feeling pretty confident that they could deliver.
Spoiler alert: No regular toast for Evan, but he did get a delightful spear of chicken liver toast which he was not particularly fond of because, you know, chicken liver is kind of gross and doesn't belong on toast. A true gourmand, however, presses on, and Evan found that he enjoyed the scent of his uni ("it smells like scent") but the taste left something to be desired ("someone needs to redo this"). He was even less impressed with brains, suggesting that they dump all this hoity-toity bullshit and just go and get a good old-fashioned Pinkberry. (I have been to Pinkberry and do not understand the appeal.)
The best part about these kid reviews (and we've featured several here) is how honest the kids are and how dessert is always their favorite part, because you can't go wrong with chocolate and ice cream. Even if brains are involved. My other favorite part about it is how upset people get that a kid is being treated to something that he may not be old enough to appreciate. But kids have to do that all the time. You think I appreciated having to play the violin at 12? No! But I certainly wish I could play it now. And ballroom dance. And speak a different language. Listen, this isn't about my wasted youth, but you get the idea.
Brains, however? Evan's right. Let's go to Pinkberry.
Images by Isla Bell Murray used with permission of The Bold Italic