Welcome back to Midweek Madness. It's spring, and the weekly mags are all abuzz with a new relationship. In fact, according to In Touch and Us, Jen Aniston and John Mayer spent one weekend together in Miami and now it's LOVE. The other covers deal with Katie Holmes as a Stepford Scientology wife; the mental health of Britney's kids; and Angelina and Brad's "wedding of the year," which has supposedly happened or been going to happen for what feels like decades now. As always, Intern Sharon helps us do the dirty work as we try and wipe clean the pages of OK!, Us, In Touch, Life & Style and Star, after the jump.

"Wedding Of The Year." The mag claims that Angelina and Brad will get hitched in a small civil ceremony in New Orleans, then maybe honeymoon in the South of France. But guess what? They've already relocated to the South of France as of today. So. Moving on: A "50 Ways To Fake Your Weight" story has tips like "wear black, wear Spanx and "wear heels." Groundbreaking! Also inside: Jennifer Aniston went on a date with John Mayer — will he "eventually break her heart?"
Grade: F (scrubbing the toilet)

"Jen & John: Suddenly In Love." Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have been "cyberflirting" by sending emails for like six months. The six-page story basically says they spent a weekend together in Miami. They ate out a lot. Also inside: Liv Tyler phoned a lawyer and complained that her husband was a leech on her assets and that she got married too young. Uh-oh. Jessica Simpson calls Tony Romo "my future husband." Romo visited The Diamond Doctor in Dallas. Are they getting engaged? Do you care?
Grade: D- (scouring soap scum in tub/shower)

Life & Style
"Reuniting For The Kids." The story doesn't actually say that Britney and Kevin are reuniting for the kids, it says that the two boys have erratic behavior, especially around Kevin's other kids. So Britney wants them back, for stability. Hmm. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn's unborn baby: It's a girl! And JLS plans to have "Lynn" as part of the baby's name, duh. Plus, she's taking a breastfeeding class. A source says: "She's determined to do it!" Jennifer Aniston set up the date weekend with John Mayer: Is she moving to fast? They make it seem like she is desperate. Because, you know, when a woman makes the first move, she must be desperate. As for Lindsay and Sam, an insider says: "Sam knows in her heart that Lindsay isn't gay, so she basically lives in fear of every new cute guy that comes along and hits on Lindsay." Awww. Oh, and since Sam comes from money (her family is worth $300 million) LL is kind of a "kept woman." Tom Brady told Bridget Moynahan that he wants his girlfriend Gisele to develop a relationship with baby John because he plans on popping the question to Gisele.
Grade: D- (cleaning out the fridge)

In Touch
"Jen's Hot New Love." John Mayer booked room at the Four Season in Miami, but spent all his time at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel, where Jen Aniston had a $3,000 a night suite. The couple hung out in the sun and had a three-hour dinner, after which he went up in the elevator with her. Did he spend the night??? Moving on: There are two pages devoted to the fact that Nicole Kidman's "bump" is showing. Lindsay Lohan has moved in with her girlfriend Sam Ronson. A source says: "It may not be a sexual relationship, but Lindsay and Samantha are a couple. They even sleep in the same bed." But Linsday's pal designer Wayne Joffe says: "Lindsay is not gay. They're just being girls and are best friends." Britney's "crazy behavior" has cost her tons of cash! From the head-shaving on, since she hasn't been touring and has had to pay for security, legal fees and medical care, she's out $61 million. Star Jones and Al Reynolds are getting divorced! And gay rumors abound! Al's own mother says: "I truly believed that he would never get married. He never seemed interested." Meanwhile: Is Mariah Carey engaged to Nick Cannon??? OMG Heidi Klum sent Victoria Beckham food for her birthday. Heidi is having a dozen cupcakes from Sprinkles in L.A. delivered to Posh every week for a year! The mag reminds you that Posh was asked by Barbara Walters if she would ever eat a cookie, and Posh said, "No." Meh, the best thing in this mag was a picture of puppies (Fig. 1).
Grade: D (cleaning out the closets)

"Scientology Boot Camp For Katie!" Katie Holmes has been doing Scientology stuff including various testing, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes. Katie does intense auditing sessions that last for 36 hours straight with no sleep or food. She took a course called "The Potential Trouble Source/Suppressive Person Course" that teaches if someone doesn't like Scientology, you must ignore or disconnect from them. Fun! Also inside: Matthew McConaughey has given up beer because pregnant girlfriend Camilla was frustrated that she had to go on the wagon while he continued to party. Blind item! "Which new heartthrob could soon disappoint teen girls across the universe? At a premiere party for his new flick, he was spotted making out and leaving with a guy." Are Jessica and Ashlee in a "race to the altar"? A source says Jess is jealous of all the attention Ash gets and would love to get married first. Britney's boys are back in her life and "not afraid of her anymore" because she doesn't take them out into crowds where they have "had bad experiences." Nicole Richie is torn between being a mommy and being a party girl. She goes from the nursery to the nightclub. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are thought to be the couple in a blind item from the New York Daily News: "Which weekly glossy just signed a megamillion dollar contract with a certain annoying celebrity couple? The deal is, the magazine will get exclusive interviews with the couple, but in turn, they need to break up (again), get back together (again) and actually get married." Hmm, is the glossy in question Us? Lastly: "Roly-Poly Romeos" that have gone from hunk to chunk include Jake Gyllenhaal, Nick Lachey and Dane Cook.
Grade: D (clearing/organizing drawers)
Fig. 1