Welcome back to Midweek Madness! The New York Post reports that the celebrity weeklies aren't doing too well — Us, Life & Style and In Touch all missed their rate bases (the amount of circulation a magazine promises advertisers it will deliver each issue). Is it because celebrities aren't acting as crazy as they did last year? Is it because these magazines are lame? We may never know. But the covers this week — two for Tom and Katie, one for Britney, one for Angelina and one for Shiloh — sorta sucked. Intern Sharon assists as we brave the infested pages of Us, In Touch, Life & Style, OK! and Star, after the jump.

"Don't Mess With My Family!" Katie Holmes knows what the tabloids are saying about her marriage to Tom Cruise and she's not happy. "Katie wishes she didn't care about the gossip and rumors, but it's hard for her not to," says a source. "She told me she has never been happier and she doesn't understand why people don't want to believe that." Maybe because she comes off as a Stepford Scientolozombie? Also inside: The mag thinks Brangelina and brood should go on a road trip! They should visit the Braum's Milk Bottle in Oklahoma City, the Blue Whale in Catoosa, OK and Cadillac Ranch in Texas, which is 10 vintage cars stuck in the ground. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston's new face seems to have a refined nose tip, some filler in the lips, maybe a brow-lift and whitening and contouring on her teeth. There are four pages of The Hills' Whitney Port modeling '50s-inspired fashion. Fergie is the "surprise look-alike" of Bret Michaels (as seen in Fig. 1). Lastly, Britney went to the gym with some friends.
Grade: F (pubic lice)

"Shiloh Baby Album." And by baby album, they mean lots of paparazzi pix of Shiloh. She is super cute. She turns two on May 27 and a source says, "She is truly the most perfect child." But! Because Shiloh is used to being the baby, Brad and Angelina are worried about how she'll react to having a younger sibling. Also inside: Pictures of Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo tonguing each other with smeared cake frosting on their faces, shudder. Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham celebrated her 34th birthday with not one but three "parties" — although one was dinner at Pink Taco with her kids. The other was dinner with Kate Beckinsale and Eva Longoria, and the last one was an actual dinner party. Kate Hudson had her birthday dinner in Miami with Owen Wilson and his parents. At restaurants, Drew Barrymore fights over the check with boyfriend Justin Long — he tries to be chivalrous; she'll sneak a credit card to the waitress while he's in the bathroom. Suri Cruise turned two with a birthday party at a Scientology house featuring a DJ and basketball. Tom and Katie were reportedly "all over each other." There's a two page spread on how other tabloids "fake the news" with a detailed step-by-step analysis of an OK! cover. (Fig 2.)
Grade: D-, although the Shiloh pix are B+ (leeches)

Life & Style
"Angelina's Rushed To The Doctor." Angelina had pain in her ankles, so she flew from Texas to L.A., where doctors told her she had swollen ankles. Also inside: Lindsay MAY be dating Sam Ronson because she MAY fear that men will hurt her. Lynne Spears spoke with the mag! "I'm a bit disappointed that my youngest daughter got pregnant at such an early age," she says. "All I can do is turn to God for answers and just leave it in his hands." Meanwhile, Jamie Lynne and Casey just bid on a $255,000 home in Liberty, Mississippi. Joel Madden says baby Harlow likes to listen to The Cure. An insider says that everyone close to Jennifer Lopez says she'll be pregnant again by the end of the year. Intern Sharon says, "Lord help us all."
Grade: D (fleas)

In Touch
"Katie & Tom: What Went Wrong." Sure, Katie and Tom kissed at Suri's birthday party, but it was when the helicopters were overhead and they knew they were being photographed. "Katie believes her days are empty and meaningless," says a source. "Katie is living the life of a queen, but that of queen trapped in a castle." So dramatic! Moving on: Jamie Lynn Spears is in therapy because she fears what happened to Britney will happen to hear — namely, post-partum depression. Four pages of "Thin By Memorial Day" diet secrets and pictures of the girls of The Hills in bikinis? As the kids say, vom. Ashley Olsen is dogsitting a honeymooning friend's German Shepherd, Coco, and has moved into the friend's house. Dancing With The Stars' Derek Hough and Shannon Elizabeth have been spotted kissing and holding hands, it's on! An Arkansas woman says she saw Bobby Brown do cocaine when he was 16 years old - way before he met Whitney Houston! Paula Abdul says she'd maybe like to adopt kids but "with today's modern medicine, you can definitely have them, even at my age," the 45-year-old says. Ashlee Simpson had many a drunken night before she realized she was drinking while knocked up. Britney Spears wants her kids back and plans to sell her Beverly Hills estate and buy a house in the suburbs of L.A. where she can have more privacy. Good luck! Drew Barrymore's boyfriend Justin Long was seen drunkenly dirty dancing and kissing some girl in a West Hollywood bar, and the girl was not Drew.
Grade: D+ (ticks)

"My New Bikini Body!" Britney eats half of everything and throws the rest away and dances a lot! Moving on: David Beckham loves Lakers games. A source says he goes for the cheerleaders, their moves and their skimpy outfits. Jeremy Piven has hair issues and has tried all kinds of remedies like cat urine and bee pollen. He's insecure about going bald (although he kind of already is, as seen in Fig. 3) Jamie Lynn Spears watched a video of a real, natural childbirth and promptly threw up. Renee Zellweger is "drinking and shrinking." When she goes out to dinner she doesn't touch her food but knocks back the martinis. "She finds clumps of hair in the shower and it's really bumming her out." Apparently Rene's friend, Vogue editor Anna Wintour, constantly reminds Renee that clothes look better when you're super thin. Ashlee Simpson is on the cover of Shape magazine and inside she talks about working out and painting. Like on a canvas. Katie Holmes was wearing oversized glasses when she showed up @ Vicky Beckham's birthday party and a source says it looked like she'd been crying. Something is troubling her! She's not allowed to make decisions about Suri or the renovations on her home! When Sam Ronson was DJing a party in New York, Lindsay Lohan felt Sam wasn't paying any attention to her and threw a fit. LL stormed out and at 4:30 a.m. made a driver take her on a 2 hour trip to Long Island so she could sleep at someone else's house. Janice Dickinson is banned from L.A. fashion week, Brad Pitt is banned from China, Paris Hilton is banned from Oktoberfest in Munich.
Grade: C- (mosquitoes)
Fig. 1

Fig. 2


Short Of The Mark [NY Post]