Today the UK is issuing a lofty challenge to female citizens: Go A Day Without Makeup! Horrors! Thankfully, famous pundit Michael Kinsley knows this is not possible in American society. He knows because he goes on TV and has to wear makeup himself, which explains why men on TV are so much more empathetic with the feminist cause than other men, and ha ha ha that is a serious statement is what is sad about that. Kinsley says this with regards to Hillary Clinton, and how the fact that she is a woman means she gets at least forty minutes less sleep per night than Barack Obama, and wow, it is so simple that men are finally getting a grasp of this. There is nothing I regret more than the opportunity cost of putting on makeup and looking perfect all the time; no seriously, there was a time in my life during which I actually did that: adolescence. Adolescence! When the brain is at its most agile and capable of absorbing information, my brain was preoccupied absorbing ... stray droplets of T-Zone oil. But I have a solution, womenfolk of the land!
My makeup-addled mind has discovered numerous ways to make the most of this idle time spent applying and removing makeup/clothing and doing hair, and now it's time to share those secrets with you.
Buy a shower radio. No, I am not together enough to have one myself. I don't even have a fucking radio in my house. If I did, maybe I would have showered already. And listened to Marketplace, which I really miss from the days when I had a car. Ha, ha, ha, if only I had a car so I could listen to the radio; that is the kind of thought that makes me really proud to be a girl.
Get Your Makeup Tattooed On. This is something Tracie and I are always threatening to do. When we are drunk, of course. Just on our lips; even when I'm wasted I don't like the idea of a needle lining my eyes. But your lips are durable, and constantly shedding so it wouldn't last that long. Oh, what? Like this is such a much better use of time!
Air: God created it for a reason. And that reason is to dry your hair. WITHOUT THAT BLAH BLAH BLAH-RING IN YOUR EARS SO YOU CAN'T HEAR THE BOOK-ON-TAPE. You are listening to some book about Islam and the economy, or something lofty where the information is more important than the prose, I am sure. This is another thing I have never actually done. But I would! If I had to ever look/sound presentable.
ColorStay Lipstick. Buy this before the Chinese discover it is made of lead! Because it really cuts down on the amount of time you spend reapplying/worrying about reapplying lipstick. Most likely because it is made of lead.
Read about wars before squeezing your pores. I've found that, being a girl — and you know how it is hard for girls to comprehend military strategy type stuff — it is easier to keep my facts straight on defense issues if I go squeeze my pores immediately afterwards, with my various rogue pores representing Middle Eastern trouble spots. Like for instance: Iran and Iraq and Saudi are the nose, with Saudi vaguely representing the easiest place to get oil, then Israel is this hormonal pimple in the middle of my left cheek, and then there is this terrible hard-to-reach zone next to my left nostril where blackheads really just dominate the entire region and I would spend more time working on it if only I could see anything there: Afghanistan.