If it's Wednesday, it's time for Midweek Madness, in which we suffer the indignity of reading the weekly tabloids so you don't have to. It's a sad week in Hollywoodland, people, because NOTHING is going on. Oh, the covers — which are all over the place — make it look like something is going on. But Reese and Jake in love? At home with Nicole and Joel? Shiloh and Suri are big girls now? Brangelina's imagined "wedding of the century"? These are not actual newsy stories. Sure, Katie Holmes felt dizzy and made a cover, but even that is pretty weak. In any case, find out what Intern Sharon and I learned after we endured the mistreatment heaped upon us by Star, Us, OK!, Life & Style and In Touch, after the jump.

"Reese's Untold Love Story." Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are waiting for the right moment to get married, and they plan to get married because they have good family values. Bo-ring. Also inside: Random photo spread of star strollers. Russell Crowe's kid rolls in a $430 carriage; Keri Russell pushes a $1,080 model. Plus: Heidi Montag wanted to change the Hollywood sign to read "Heidiwood" to celebrate her clothing line, but was turned down by the L.A. City Council. LOL. Kevin Federline wants to get back together with Britney "now that he knows what was wrong," i.e., mental illness. K Fed listens to Brit's Blackout all the time, a source spills. Give him more!
Grade: F (waterboarding)

Life & Style
"At Home With Nicole And Joel." "The greatest thing about Harlow right now is that she laughs and smiles a lot," Joel Madden tells the mag. "She wakes up every morning laughing and smiling and it's the best part of my day." Joel sings Nirvana and Radiohead lullabies to the baby. Meanwhile, Nicole has returned to group counseling and alcohol education. Moving on! "Why Audrina Posed Nude." She was out of high school, trying to launch a modeling career, and wanted to feel "comfortable" in front of the camera. Mission accomplished! Britney appeared slim on How I Met Your Mother because her hair was flat ironed, she had contouring makeup, and flattering wardrobe to slenderize her figure. Plus: Did High School Musical's Ashley Tisdale get another nose job? Do you care? Also: The Texas house that Brad and Angelina are renting has a wrestling ring inside! It used to belong to The Undertaker. Lastly, Tori Spelling says that with her first pregnancy she was worried about how she'd lose the weight after but this time around, she knows it's possible to get your body back with diet and dedication. Sigh.
Grade: D- (caning)

In Touch
"The Wedding Of The Century." Hey! Look! A made-up cover story! Angelina MIGHT have realized her children want their parents to be husband and wife, so she MIGHT get married. IF Angie and Brad get married, she MIGHT carry a bouquet of flowers picked by her kids. They MIGHT get married on a boat and it MIGHT be the Octopus, the $200 million yacht owned by Microsoft's Paul Allen. This wouldn't happen until after the twins are born, so that all of their kids could be present at the ceremony, so this "Wedding of the Century" wouldn't happen until September. Also inside: Kevin Federline says "I will always love the mothers of my children." Paris Hilton is having her five-bedroom, 7,493 square foot home gutted and renovated and it might have a club in the basement! "My house is so big," Paris says. "I love it." Reese Witherspoon visited a farm and bought a $650 piglet for her kids! They're said to make great pets. (Pigs, that is.) Tara Reid spent her vacation in Mexico drinking morning noon and night, then was seen at the airport bar and also had a cocktail on the plane home. Carrie Underwood and Chase Crawford: Dunzo. She dumped him. Kirsten Dunst called Tobey Maguire and apologized to him for things she did when they were working together and dating in 2001. Rehab heals all wounds! Rock Of Love's Kristy Joe says: "I've pulled on Brett Michael's hair and it doesn't move. I know it's not a wig but he does wear extensions." Ew, like Axl Rose??? Kate Bosworth says she loses weight when she's under stress, and was so thin two years ago because "a family member had a terminal illness." She also says of a photo of her at her thinnest, "Don't look at this as a standard of some kind of beauty and health." Except it landed you a Calvin Klein modeling gig! "The List" this week is women who "finally" got pregnant: Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman and Marcia Cross.
Grade: D- (paddling)

"Big Girls Now." Hey! Another made-up cover story! Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt are babies, and they're both turning two soon! And you almost can't tell this image was cobbled together in PhotoShop! OK! "Looks back at the lives of Hollywood's two most influential tots." Amazing. Moving on: Tyra Banks thinks that photo shoot creative director Jay Manuel has become a diva and is ungrateful to her for making him a star. Manuel has a makeup line, a show on the Style Network and is the host of Canada's Next Top Model. Meanwhile Tyra barely interacts with the contestants and only wants to show up on judging day. Also inside: 20 things you didn't know about the Sex And The City "girls": Sarah Jessica Parker scrubs her "tootsies" 11 times a day; Kim Cattrall cooks in the nude; Kirsten Davis was supposed to be Carrie; Cynthia Nixon was arrested in 2002 for protesting school budget cuts in front of New York's City Hall. Plus: Britney is considering opening her own dance studio. How come in every magazine this week, there's an image of her wearing the same horrifying green shirt? (Fig 1.) Where does one purchase a shirt so ugly? Anyway. Lastly: Christina Aguilera's son "screams his head off" when he sees mommy in full makeup, especially red lipstick."He cries bloody murder," an insider says.
Grade: D (spanking)

"Sick Katie Collapses." Katie Holmes left a restaurant in LA after having a dizzy spell and she looked pale, exhausted and emaciated. She's been suffering from severe headaches that make her see black spots and feel faint; it's either migraines or the fact that trying to keep up with Tom is killing her. "Tom has boundless energy and she can't compete," says a source. Also inside: Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman go skinny-dipping by moonlight. "They don't just splash around — they laugh, scream, swear and make sexy noises," says a disgruntled neighbor. Are Pink and Carey Hart reconciling? Maybe. Jason Lewis likes cougars! He's now seeing Teri Hatcher. Lindsay Lohan won't go out to dinner with you unless you're picking up the tab and won't go to events unless she knows she's getting free shit. Blind item! "Which actress who gave birth last fall has no plans to marry the baby's daddy? Pals are wondering if the relationship was ever real or if it was just set up so she could have a kid." There's a story called "Joel Walks Out On Nicole" but it's about how he had to go on tour and wouldn't let Nicole and Harlow come with him. He doesn't think a newborn belongs on a rock tour and Nicole is really just upset that Paris is going and she's not. Plus: Britney's three days on the set of How I Met Your Mother were a "nightmare." She has sudden "mood changes" and her good-girl persona is "all an act." She's totally "biding her time until she can stop the charade and take control of her life again." Yikes! Meanwhile, sister Jamie Lynn might be getting engaged: Casey is shopping for a ring! Mary-Kate and Ashley have "finally had enough of each other." They're working on a fashion line but have conflicting styles, which is causing friction. Angelina Jolie has gestational diabetes, which means she has to watch what she eats and check her blood sugar. Her feet are so swollen that she's gone up half a shoe size, at least. Does American Idol's Carly Smithson have a connection to judge Randy Jackson that gives her an unfair advantage? Apparently he heard her music early in her career when he worked at a record label, oooh.
Grade: D+ (hotsaucing)
Fig. 1