New episodes of The Hills are back—finally, after four friggin' months. We're live blogging the whole thing, including the premiere party featuring Lauren, Whitney, Audrina (Heidi wasn't invited, natch) and MARIAH CAREY!!!! After the episode airs, Mimi is gonna perform live. Do you think she watches the show?

11:11 Haha! Mariah said, "I have enjoyed you profusely!" That woman lives by the thesaurus. But on that note, I have enjoyed this night profusely, even though I bitched in the beginning. Thanks for refreshing! I'm peacing. I've been on this computer since 7 am. DONE!

11:08 OK, now I'm gonna have to subject my dog to "We Belong Together." It might be one of my favorite songs ever. I'm not kidding.

11:03 The sound on this is all fucked up! It sounds like they don't have it patched in or whatever, and they're just picking up the sound in the venue. Also, Mimi can't hit those notes. It's weird.

11:02 Oh! Excited for Justin Bobby to return! Excited for Heidi and Audrina being chummy! Excited for more She Pratt!

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10:58 Whitney says her soft g's weird, like they're k's. And I have a feeling that we're gonna be hearing a lot of her new "stylink" goals in eps to come.

10:55 Uh, who's the dude sitting behind Mimi, Lauren, and Aussie?

10:50 OK, this just got as ridiculous as it could possible get. The French dude is gonna take her around Paris at midnight on a motorcycle while she's wearing a ball gown?

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10:41 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! OMG, you just know that the MTV producers did that to her dress.

10:35 I am so into this girl from Yelle. She's such a spaz, I love it! She reminds me exactly of my sister when she was like 7.

10:30 Wow, this scene with Spencer and Heidi and her parents is SO awkward.

10:29 Oh boy. This ball gown altering plan is going to end very badly—as per the script.

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10:25 I made my dawg sit in front of me and be my audience while I sang The Hills theme song to her and then I took pictures. Clearly she's unimpressed with me.

10:21 Two things: These dudes from the band are adorbz; and Lauren looks great in red lipstick.

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10:19: LOLOLOLOLOL!!! I love that Heidi's hometown is called Crested Butte, because all I can think of is Crusted Butt.

10:18: I really love Whitney's pink dress here.

10:17 I don't know if I really understand what this ball is. I thought it was a fashion thing.

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10:10 This Dove mini show thing is weird. OMG! I went on a date at the restaurant their eating in! My boss showed up (not Anna), sat down, and ate some of our lobster ceviche and then pointed out, in front of my date, that the wine that I was ordering was expensive. The food was really good.

10:09 I'm so glad that She Pratt is a regular now. What is the deal with these two? Like does Spencer feed her lines?

10:03 I'm loving Whitney's hat. Lauren is wearing that Betsey Johnson dress. That would look like maternity wear on me.

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10:00 OMG! Mimi's gold jacket is very...labial.

9:59: I'm going to have to sing "Unwritten" alone. My dog always looks at me like I'm nuts when I doshit like that.

9:50 Can we just talk for a minute about these chicks modeling their outfits between commercial breaks? Why is that happening.

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9:32 OK, I'm gonna go there and ask what the fuck this meebo business is? You know, not for nothing, but I do these live blogs to facilitate a convo here, and I think it's weird that some commenters agree to go somewhere else "private." Also, I'll put this out there: My ass gets money per page view. That might sound mercenary or whatevs, but it's true and I'm like, what am I doing with 2 hours of my life, off hours, not eating my cheeseburger, because I'm typing, when people aren't even hanging out here?

9:27 And since this is boring, let's keep talking about dirty stuff. What do you think Spencer and Heidi's sex life is like? They're pretty boring when they fight, so I imagine it would be similar. And she looks like a faker—a loud faker.

9:22 What do you guys think of Audrina's nudie pictures (link NSFW, duh)? Personally I think the only thing she has to be embarrassed about is the eyeshadow and the cowboy hat.

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9:13 Who is this Australian chick hosting the premiere party? That's an Aussie accent, right? Also, why does Lauren always look put out about having to be interviewed or talk about the things that make her money?

9:10 @ ampg: Dude, my ex-BF used to love the theme song and we would sing it together really loudly. But he would always go, "Feel the rain on my penis!" Which I thought was so weird, because I know that he's actually never felt rain on his penis.

9:01 Um, OK, so this is just the last two episodes that their playing for this hour? I thought there would be more of the premiere party beyond a little countdown in the corner. Mainly I'm disappointed that Mariah isn't involved in this.