The April GQ has this story on the "Most Whipped Men On The Planet." One of them is Seal. Does he live on this planet? Rupert Murdoch. Old grody coot with designs on market domination falls for hot brilliant chick half his age hailing from World's Largest Maket and that is whipped? John Edwards. Smarmy vain politician mayyyybe didn't cheat on his brilliant cancer-stricken wife and that is whipped? Kevin Smith. That fat guy got a wife? Sure, call that "whipped" if it makes you feel better, gentlemen! But anyway, it got me to thinking: "whipped" is totally a made-up concept. I have never really seen it. "Whipped" is a phrase dreamed up — ha ha, whipped up! — by the emotionally retarded dude who suddenly finds himself surrounded by friends who have run the numbers and realized, whoa, you know, the girls they are boning are way too good for them.
That guy. You know him. He is the big talker, the philosophical dominator of the group, the chief purveyor of the whiskey-soaked rhetorical salves when his dude friends get hurt or dumped or discarded or simply awakened to the cruel magnitude of their own imperfections. This dude does not bother caring about his own imperfections. And before I go any further, let me just make this a story about Don, lest all the other dudes in my life who complain that their dude friends are irrationally entangled in monogamous relationships with tyrannical educated she-males assume it's about them. (Not because they read this site, you understand, but because their whipped married dude friends get their only kicks from sending them hyperlinks to posts I have written that are totally talking about you, dude.)
Don has a lot of great guy friends, but whenever they get into relationships, he comes calling me about how they have totally betrayed him for the most cliche reason ever, which is to say, pussy. How could they not know better, don't they read the Bible etc., no, because they "put the pussy on a pedestal" again or whatever. Don assumes they are experiencing this because once, a very long time ago, he carried a seven-year torch for a girl who cheated on him repeatedly. She was not worth it. That = you get for putting the pussy on a pedestal. That and a fucking mortgage. Fuck that.
Once I IM-ed Don for romantic advice, just to see what he would say when faced with the same sort of dilemma from a female friend. "I wonder what you did to fuck it up," he wrote.
P.S. Don, I only write this out of love, and also, because I needed a post.