So many glossy new April magazines! Don't you wish you knew which ones to buy? Well, none of them! Because we read em all, and that's why it's time again for "Cover Lies," in which Cheryl and Maria rewrite the covers of major magazines to better reflect exactly why it is you don't need to look inside.

Oh, look, if it isn't Kate Bosworth. And if Kate Bosworth isn't the most fascinating cover subject since...um, the Kate Bosworth Vogue...well...yeah. Jesus Christ, isn't there one celebrity out there you actually wouldn't mind reading about? Portia De Rossi maybe, Julie Delpy, P.J. Harvey...they're thin too! But whatever, Marie Claire. The "smart" women's magazine that is not as big and heavy as Elle just hired a new features editor from the financial magazine Forbes. But they're already giving you ways to pump that April stimulus check back into the economy! Sunscreen, lip gloss, shoes...it's all there! Marie Claire has some good stuff in it: a "Culture Pyramid" advises you read a book about socialism and capitalism in China and "partake sparingly" in such guilty pleasures as Craig David and, one assumes, Kate Bosworth. They didn't even bother having anyone write a story about her, they just told it in little bite-sized factoids. No formal training! Likes sports! Next!