Hey guys! I know it doesn't involve $80,000 WHORES or anything, but someone actually more important than Eliot Spitzer resigned this week, and it was all on account of Esquire, the Hearst men's magazine. The official in question was William "Fox" Fallon, David Petreaus's boss, a guy who was neither whoremonger nor warmonger and therefore had to leave the Bush Administration. I hadn't read the story when it appeared — fuck, it's not even touted on the cover- but I sorta-read it this morning. And it is not, mind you, a work of literary greatness. There are the usual cloying Esquire-isms — "THE FIRST THING you notice is the face," one section begins; the Gaza Strip "continues to hum like a bowstring"; a whole column concerns the term "chickenshit" — but it is clear that Fallon chose Esquire as the venue in which he would respectfully pay the administration his final middle finger. He opposed the troop surge and going hawkshit on Iran, is generally portrayed as the consummate diplomat under a regime in which diplomacy is a trait disdained in diplomats, much less Naval commanders. The story is your classic "hero journalism" profile we've all come to expect from Esquire, a type sought out in the past by frustrated (emasculated?) Bush Administration dissenters Paul O'Neill and John DiIulio. It is worth reading.
So is it too predictable to point out here that no women's magazine would ever or probably will ever be a disillusioned military commander's chosen outlet for airing grievances with his or her superiors in the hegemony? Is it too broken record-y of me to point out one more time that women's magazines are such a fucking joke the most powerful woman in America stood up an interviewer hailing from the most famous one of them? That they are such a fucking joke she worried her fluffy, pointless coverage by one — in a year her fiercest opponent got his most impressive poll bounce from Oprah — would be damaging to her campaign? That it would make her look foolish and yet elitist? I wanted this post to be a lighthearted recommendation of some powerful women Glamour and Cosmo should start lobbying to resign. How awesome would it be if Cosmo finally snagged Condi? If Self got Monica Goodling? Ha ha ha, yeah, it would be awesome only to us, because those magazines are crap. Even ELLE, which is a pretty decent magazine, is so far from claiming this sort of influence it is PITIFUL. And what's the problem? Women's magazines simply make too much money. Esquire is allowed to break even. JANE was folded for not growing its profits briskly enough. Anyway, I am grumpy. Can you tell I just took my meds? I'm totally going to cheer myself up now by writing a fake Monica Goodling profile for Cosmo.