I first spotted these $2,975 Balenciaga gladiator boots in the March issue of Teen Vogue. Little did I know I would be seeing them again and again and again and again and again! Because, you see, they are so practical. A real wardrobe staple! No seriously, I immediately thought, "I do not get it." And by "it," I mean "shoes." I do not get why anyone would want, or even aspire to want, to attempt to affix all these fragile, elaborate, intricately constructed and dare I say totally ugly and oh yeah also multi-thousand dollar sculptures onto the body parts responsible for their very mobility. Am I not a woman? Sometimes I wonder this. Dodai and Maria both claimed to like these Balenciaga things. Am I alone in my bafflement? A column in the Times of London this week claimed that "A woman who really is tired of fashion is a woman who is tired of life." Oh, is that it? After the jump, a photo essay culled from some recent magazines pondering my ennui re the season's most coveted footwear.

Oh look, here they are again, in some issue of Vogue.

Okay, yeah, at this point I am making a point. This is a whole other issue of Vogue. Still ugly. So what could possibly replace the Gladiator boots?

Hey, these look like the shoes that little Japanese schoolgirls used to wear, and then DIE. On the plus side, they're all under $735.

These five-inch Chloe numbers would be eminently practical if only I could figure out what season they were for.

Oh, here it is! Balenciaga again. Is there a person you know who could get their $3,495 worth from these tarantula-esque black...um, boots? Of course, for the less-cultured masses they have these python Miu Miu slingbacks. They are only $945. Hey, like my rent! Okay, you get it...Betch.

Kelly Likes Shoes [MySpace]
Why Fashion Matters [Times Of London]
Feminism Is No Match For A Giddy Pair Of Shoes [Independent]
The Shoes Maketh The Woman [The F Word]