Another Wednesday, another Midweek Madness! The covers of the weeklies are all over the place today; one for Britney, one for Heidi Montag, one for the Cruise clan and two for Angie and Brad. Rape (!) rumors, wedding arguments, Scientology and betrayal; it's all here. With the help of Intern Sharon, we take a deep breath and inhale the toxic vapors emanating from In Touch, OK!, Us, Life & Style, and Star. How badly do this week's tabloids stink? Find out, after the jump.

"I Was Betrayed By Spencer." Look, we could not care less about these people, but it's our duty to report on this crap: Basically, Spencer maybe cheated on Heidi but Heidi says, "Spencer and I may differ on what it means to cheat." Spencer agrees: "We have different interpretations of cheating." Yawn. Also inside: "From K-Fed To Well-Fed" Kevin Federline has put on "daddy weight" and has a paunch now. Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are having "late-night trysts" in Miami. Lastly: Mary-Kate and Ashley are "writing" a book called Influence about designers and artists who have inspired them. The book will have pictures. "Exclusive" pictures.
Grade: F (hot, overflowing Porta Potty)

"Secret Baby Vows." Angelina might be living in Texas when she gives birth; she'll be based there while Brad shoots a film. She likes small towns because she can buy a slice of pizza without being harassed. Maddox thinks "Mallory" and "Joe" are good baby names. Oddly, there's nothing really about "vows," despite what the cover claims. Also inside: Lauren Conrad will write a tell-all book exposing Hollywood's social scene, and drop details about Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag and Kristin Cavallari. The producers of Chicago want both Nicole Richie and Paris to be in the show, because they think those kids sell tickets. Cynthia Nixon on her relationship with her partner: "I'm in love with her because she's her. If she were a man, would I be in love with her? I don't know." The top 10 "Stylish Couples" include Heidi Klum and Seal, and the Beckhams (Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher come in at No. 1). Lastly: Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are seeing each other again but her friends worry about his drinking and chronic depression.
Grade: D- (decomposing roadkill skunk)

Life & Style
"At Home With The Cruises." The weirdly PhotoShopped cover features Suri magically suspended between her parents. The power of Xenu! Right now the Cruise family is living in a four bedroom apartment in the Scientology Celebrity Centre in L.A. while they await $15 million in renovations on their home to be done. But they're down-to-earth! Katie runs around the house in sweat pants and gym socks and answers the phone. Wow. Also inside: Angelina Jolie wants to take Maddox to Cambodia because he's been asking questions about his homeland. Benji Madden's friends don't approve of him dating Paris Hilton, shocker. Britney Spears has dumped Adnan Ghalib: After finding text messages from his wife on his iPhone, Brit spat on him and told him to get out. Nicky Hilton's dropped a ton of weight* but her boyfriend thinks she looks hot; he did date Mary-Kate Olsen. Lastly: Jessica Biel gave Justin Timberlake an ultimatum, saying "It's either me or Kate [Hudson]," claims an insider.
Grade: D (four-day-old unrefrigerated dead fish)

"Angie & Brad's Blow-Up Over Wedding." Brangelina got into a screaming match and went to separate bedrooms, slamming doors, because Brad wants a big wedding in New Orleans and Angie doesn't. Oh, and Brad's mom invited Jen. Whatever. Also inside: Did Rumer Willis have a boob job? Jennifer Aniston thinks her new boyfriend Jason Lewis is better than Brad Pitt because Brad was "always looking in the mirror and talking about his hair," a source says. Jason's more wash 'n go! Is new mom Salma Hayek jealous of Nicole Richie's post-baby weight loss? She was overheard at an event saying,"I have to think about what I can wear. It's not like I'm Nicole Richie!" Um, Salma? Nicole is not normal. FYI. Blind item! "What superstar celebrity who appears to have it all is about to get her own private island? Her generous husband is shopping for a tropical paradise to give her for an upcoming milestone birthday?" Plus: Mariah Carey is in such great shape! "I've been working with this fabulous woman who is my trainer, my water aerobics teacher, and my chef," she says. In Paris, Mary-Kate seemed "cozy" with notorious druggie Lapo Elkann, but then again, she does like bad boys (Nate Lowman, Max Snow, Stavros Niarchos, Heath Ledger). Matt Lauer could get divorced and it could cost him half of his $50 million fortune. [Uh, he's worth fifty million??? -Ed.] Meanwhile his wife, Annette has lost weight; she's 100 lbs. and 5'8". WTF. Star claims that Britney dumped Adnan because he met a swag bag girl in an Oscar gift suite, asked for her number and then spent five nights in a row at her house. He told her that being with Britney had become unbearable because she's so crazy. Also! A doctor (who, of course, does not treat Britney) says she looks pregnant, judging from a photo. Lastly: T.R. Knight, 34, has a "teen sweetheart"! His boyfriend Mark Cornelson is 19. They look cute together!
Grade: D+ (vomit)

In Touch
"Britney's Darkest Secret." The story is mostly speculation about how Britney believes she was sexually abused when she was younger, according to a "source." She was surrounded by adults for most of her childhood. She refers to herself in the third person, using the name "Baby," like, "Baby's getting better. Baby was sad but now she's happy." So she could have some sort of repressed memory due to trauma. Or not. Moving on: Madonna and Guy Ritchie are living "separate lives." Guy's father, John, tells the magazine "They're not spending any time together." Benji Madden and Paris Hilton "bonded over Harlow" when they both went to visit Nicole, Joel and the baby. Paris' mom Kathy is "overjoyed" that Benji is a gentleman and not some trust-fund baby, a source says. Hookups: Lauren Conrad is having a secret romance with Brothers & Sisters hottie David Annable. He is so cute! Cameron Diaz was seen having a quiet dinner date with Sean "Diddy" Combs in West Hollywood. Kirsten Dunst has a rehab romance with a fellow patient and "sits on his lap while smoking cigarettes." Lindsay Lohan is the "roommate from hell" and a "slob" which is why Courtenay Semel moved out. Avril Lavigne is pregnant; she was seen with her hand on her tummy while shopping in Beverly Hills. Rihanna won't admit she's dating Chris Brown even though they were seen snogging in Paris. Lukas Haas is moving in with buddy Leonardo DiCaprio, but not paying rent. Katie Holmes is "obsessed" with being skinny: She's eating very small amounts of food, starting to look ill and is underweight at 5'9" and 110 lbs. Kate Hudson is totally not pregnant, as her skimpy bikini pix show. Last: Colin Farrell drives an $11,000 Ford Bronco he bought on the Internet.
Grade: C- (bad breath)

*As seen here.