So: There was an ancient pagan goddess of spring named Eostre who was celebrated during the Vernal (spring) equinox. Hares (and rabbits) were symbols of the fertility of the season; the saying "mad as a March hare" came from the fact that the critters had so much sex during that time of the year. Eggs were also ancient symbols of fertility because, duh, life hatches from them. And back in the day, people would see hares hopping around in meadows and find nests of plover eggs, then mistakenly think that the fuzzy bunnies were laying them. Then arrival of Christianity confused everything and now some people celebrate Jesus with chocolate egg-laying bunnies. Insane? Sure! But there's candy involved, so it's okay. Easter foodstuffs from Harry & David as well as Dean & Deluca, after the jump.

The cover of the Harry & David catalog claims, "The Easter Bunny shops here," but we have it on good authority that his credit cards get declined.

Wow, a nine-inch solid chocolate bunny. The perfect thing to give to kids right before they're going to have to sit through a sermon at church! Or is it the reward for enduring the service?

Some people probably find it really cute that the rabbit's head comes off and there's candy inside his skull and body; I find it terrifying and creepy.

Isn't cabbage the pagan symbol for vagina? That's where Cabbage Patch Kids come from, right? Also: Egg candles? Really? Can't you envision a scenario in which kids are like, "Why are you burning my Easter Eggs?" And crying? Loudly?

Flowers+chocolate=Good idea. But if someone ever gave me flowers in a picket fence, I'd be vaguely insulted. There's something repressive, apron-stringy and June Cleaver-ish about it. Not in a good way.

Ooh, cheesecake sampler! Wouldn't you rather have this than the nine-inch chocolate bunny? When do we celebrate the goddess of cheesecake?

Giant Cookie Basket from the Better Cookie Bureau, you have my vote in this year's election for Most Delicious Concept.

It's hilarious that the Easter Morning basket comes with a cookie shaped and iced to look like a carrot. Fake healthy! Oh, but look: In addition to a load of candy, you also get a couple of pears and an apple. Life is about balance.

The chicks are super cute, but just for styling purposes: No price listed!

You can, however, get a chicken pot pie. Yum.

Those marzipan critters masquerading with bunny ears should be funny, but they're just not. The chocolate quail eggs are sort of puke-inducingly realistic, as though you can smell the yolk and salmonella through the page.

Sugar is a building block of nutrition, right?

You know, of all the things you can have FedExed to your home, a pound of fish eggs ringing up at $5,900 is really baller-type shit.

For the love of God. If lusting after that Devil's Food cake is a sin, who among us is not guilty?

Pagan symbols aside: Why is that chocolate rabbit driving a car?

[Harry & David]
[Dean & Deluca]

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