For February's ELLE columnist and "beauty adventurer" Holly Millea got plastic surgery on her hands. They were old looking! Nothing else was wrong with her, of course. She was a size four! And not in Old Navy sizes! And she had, according to her gynecologist, the "vagina of a teenager"! Injecting her hands full of youthifying fluids would put the universe in alignment! But, alas, it did not. For the March ELLE Holly ventures further. She decides to get liposuction. ("Holly was obsessed with lipo, but [her editor] never wanted to let her do it. She's tiny!" says a source.) But in the process of arranging to get her ass fat transplanted into her lips, she gets sidetracked once more. Her eyelids are drooping! "I became obsessed. I would take out a bobby pin and run it along the crease of my eyelid, tucking the excess skin behind the eyeball so that I could approximate what a little nip-tuck would look like," she writes. She shows the lipo doctor. He agrees to give her a conservative "eye job" β€” too extreme, and her eyes could be permanently fucked! Holly complies, survives. But something is missing...

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It's never enough! "You don't look younger," her husband tells her, "when pressed."

"But your eyes look better." See, Holly wanted "something more." Enter Holly's friend "Nell." "I broke my plastic surgery cherry," says Nell. And now she's in it to win it!

"In a perfect world, we would do this," and he pulls her face up to where it was 12 years ago. "We should do the whole face. You're ready for that. You may not want to hear it."
"Yes, we do!" I erupt. "We want all the bad news!"...I pull Leaf away from Nell to ask if I should have that it of extra skin on my right eye fixed. He shakes his head. "I'd leave it alone. Some people are never happy, Holly. I suspect you're spending too much time in front of a magnifying mirror."

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She convinces him to pump some fillers under her eyes. "It amazes me that i live in fear of the dentist giving me a novocaine shot, but i don't think twice about having a needle stuck under my eye, down to the bone," she writes.

Um, is anyone not so surprised? Isn't this just...sort of like, an expensive form of emo self-mutilation? No wonder Ashlee and Pete have stuck together!