A Letter To American Apparel's Latest Spokesbottom, "Kristen"

Dear Kristen, You have a nice ass. I could have probably inferred that fact by simply getting stuck in certain positions a crowded subway car with you, or walking behind you on a summer’s day, but thanks to the new American Apparel Youtube video I know exactly how firm it looks when you lean down and wave it around as if you are being penetrated doggy-style. Congrats on that. Having worked at American Apparel I know you couldn’t have received much more than a hundred bucks compensation for that video. Maybe $100 is the going rate for a nice ass in a time during which there seem to be a lot of young women with nice asses who are interested in having the niceness of their asses documented for public consumption on the internet for recognition and/or vanity, which is a something I have learned from many informational outlets from MySpace to the Suicide Girls but which I could have just as easily learned exclusively from looking at American Apparel ads.

But maybe $100 is a discount, a special rate for American Apparel, because you like their clothes and you work there and so do other cool people and you all hang out and go to parties with them and it’s less like a company than just a clique of attractive people who all happen to work for the same publicly traded company making kinda sexy videos mainly for one another to get off on and because you’re all into it, and you just put them on the American Apparel YouTube site because losers like me are more likely to pay attention when American Apparel is involved, because of all those bullshit sexual harrassment lawsuits and nasty rumors about Dov, who is admittedly a big perv but really, who isn’t? After all, if I am so disgusted by American Apparel’s “objectification” of women, why don’t I stop looking at the ads and writing these posts, right? Why don’t I stop buying their clothes? Why don’t I stop using them to get hits? Sex sells, everyone knows it. Why don’t I give it all up and go to the fucking gym and studiously avoid the American Apparel billboards I must pass on the way there? It’s not as if I am going to singlehandedly put an end to the pornification of culture or the fact that women will always be evaluated on the basis of their most superficial unsustainable physical qualities. It’s not as if I have a hundred dollars to hand out to every attractive twenty year old girl Dov Charney wants to use in an ad. And even if I did, who would choose me?

Would you, Kristen? I dunno, Kristen. I mean, I don’t know you. I only know your ass. I’m probably wayyyy oveanalyzing your thought process here. I know, it’s almost creepy, right? I’m totally like a stalker. It almost would have been better if I’d just gone with my gut and written:

“Dear Kristen, I know porn when I see it, and this ad is not porn. It is worse.”