Today we learned that regardless of the bountiful abundance of evidence to the contrary, men invariably think they are smarter than women. And women agree with them! (Ahhhhh, could women be any stupider????) Anyhow, that got me thinking about Missdemeanors, the Jezebel feature in which we call out celebrity bloggers for their rampant use of misogynist humor. It was a task fell on me today, because Amelia got a new job, and I struggled with it for two reasons. Namely, 1. I think I am missing the gene that processes how to be "offended" and 2. "misogynist humor" is an oxymoron. Right? I mean, you can be a misogynist, and you can be funny. But can you be both at the same time? Have any of you ever laughed at a joke that was genuinely derived from a misogynistic set of assumptions/beliefs/values? Only dumbshits do that! And I don't really care about dumbshits on the internet, because none of them are smart. But that's just the problem: many of them believe they are smart anyway. Because they are dudes!
And worsely, females believe them! I know, it's demoralizing. Is it any wonder I'm already drinking?
So, moving on, I had Editorial Assistant Maria scour the gossip sites and pull a few examples of what she found to be misogynistic humor. Instead of going through and sentencing the bloggers to reading Betty Freidan or escorting women at abortion clinics or something like that, I'm just going to comment on how I feel about them. In the future I will try to think up some clever conceit, like writing every post in the voice of Camille Paglia or something, but not today. Today it is FRIDAY.
The Drunken Stepfather
On Britney Spears period stains:
"Periods are pretty fucking unnatural and disgusting even if science tries to trick us into thinking they are normal."
On some pregnant supermodel in a bikini:
Not only does [pregnancy] ruin bodies on all levels and by all levels I pretty much mean the vagina because that's the only part I care about [...] I guess it also screams 'I let dudes cum inside me because I'm a slut who doesn't take her pill properly because I have this deep rooted maternal instinct that needs to be satisfied."
On Some blonde we've never heard of:
I am not sure who told these girls that blonde hair, fake tits, fake tans, tacky short dresses and jacked up lips was beautiful or sexy and I am not sure what kind of fucked up insecurities these bitches had where they felt they had to be blonde hair, fake tits, fake tans, tacky short dresses and jacked up lips to have any self worth.
I kinda like it because when I see it, I know it's a stamp of approval from the porn and stripping industry and that usually means that despite the bitch's attitude that she's some kind of celebrity or more important than me, I know she's nothing by a worthless dirtbag who gets naked for money and whenever a bitch gets naked for money, that means she'll get naked for you for money, now all I need is money.
Okay, so the Drunken Stepfather gets a lot of hate, but I'm kind of obsessed with him, because he is the only person ever mentioned on this site that ever even approaches the "humor" aspect of misogynist humor. See, while misogyny is never funny, sometimes humor that uses the conceit of misogynist assumptions/beliefs/values to satirize said a/b/v, IS kind of funny. I mean, it's not like I LOL-ed at any of the above lines, but they reminded me of how my favorite friend Don says he likes period sex because "it's like my dick killed something." Drunken Stepfather is no Don, obvi. But like, say you were fucking a guy and he objected to period sex on the grounds that "periods are pretty fucking unnatural and disgusting even if science tries to trick us into thinking they are normal." You'd totally LOL then. I mean, wouldn't you? Because, I mean, if it's not a joke, you have really bad taste in dudes, you stupid whore. Hahahaha KIDDING. Which is another thing about DS, he clearly gets carried away. Also, he's drunk. Should I write this column in the persona of the Drunken Stepfather next week? I think I should, but that's probably the beer talking.
Anyway, so in short, DS didn't offend me much this week. Although I did get an LOL from this gem, thanks to Maria.
"Reality is that none of this really matters, she's French and all French girls are whores. They are the only people, other than fags, who think having Anal on the first date is normal." Capitalization in original. Also: Carla Bruni is Italian. Not that it matters.
Ok, onto Egotastic.
I don't know who reads Egotastic, but they ran a gallery of photos of Leelee Sobieski getting out of a car with a star over her crotch this week.
"Of course, the real question is: Panties? Yes or no? Click on the thumbnails to see if Leelee is going all the way, or if she's still a good girl at heart"
This pose apparently has a nickname in the paparazosphere: the "upskirt." I know I am probably like nine years late to this, but I found that fact almost as charming as I did this whole conceit. Doesn't it warm the cockles to think that the practice of shooting a camera up there every time a female with an IMDB entry uncrosses her legs is now so common it has its own pet name? Just wait, next year "upskirt" will have its own entry in the OED.
I Don't Like You In That Way
Yeah. Pink is a woman who looks like a dude, so good luck is trying to get me to listen to anything her ugly ass has to say, no matter how important she thinks she is."
Ugh, seriously? Did I just link to that? That is not a parody? That is for real? Who is this dude? I am trying to figure out a "way" in which I could potentially like him. And all I am thinking is: "waterboarded." He makes my date rapists look like fucking Muhammad Yunus.
On Ellen Pompeo
"Where did her boobs go?"
Uh, last I self-loathingly absorbed information about this sort of thing, didn't Ellen Pompeo have one of those eating disorders perpetuated by the entertainment industry's unyielding BMI standards? Would it be so outrageous to give this lady's body a break, since she's probably already clogging all her drains with shedding hair and fainting three times a day in her valiant effort to avoid the fate of having you scrawl FATTCOWPIGGGGGYYYYY!!!! or some such thing across her image?
Oh forget it.