Every Wednesday we're plagued by Midweek Madness, the malady that comes from exposure to the weekly tabloids. This week, the covers are all over the place: Britney and Angelina are trying to get pregnant; Trista's body looks great now that she isn't pregnant; Kevin Federline's got a tell-all book and Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt continue to stage photo-ops reminding the world that they exist. Someone's buying this crap: In Touch, OK!and Life & Style are are reporting higher ad revenues and ad pages. After the jump, we risk social diseases from OK!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Star. Editorial assistant Maria assists!

"Britney's Shocking Decision: Trying To Get Pregnant" Brit thinks having Adnan's baby will show the court, her sister and the world that she doesn't need them. She's considering converting to Islam. (Actually, if she moved to Riyadh and wore a burka, she might actually find peace.) Also inside: Amanda Bynes and Chloe Sevigny in the same Narciso Rodriguez dress? Seriously? And 100 New Yorkers think Amanda looks better? When she was seven, Angelina was a brat and threatened a classmate who didn't invite her to a birthday party. Yawn. At her New Year's Eve party in Colorado, Katie Holmes dressed guests in Ralph Lauren outfits that she personally put together. And when TomKat move into their new house, the staff will be dressed in Gap, Banana Republic and Polo. Vive Le Preppy!
Grade: D- (smallpox)

"How I Got My Body Back" Someone named Trista has diet advice for y'all: "There is absolutely no reason to eat fried food," she says. She's relieved to put on a bikini again five months after giving birth. Also inside: In a reader poll, Do you miss Elisabeth Hasselbeck? 70% said "No." (Too bad, she's back already!) Audrina Patridge has a new dude! His name is Bernard Steimann and is "hideous," according to Maria. "JustinBobby was so gorgeous." Anywhoozle, Bernard is LC-approved. Oooh, exclusive interview with Alli Sims. Britney's cousin by marriage says "She's not crazy." Alli also says "When we go out guys don't even come up to our table. Seriously." Alli also says, "I don't think Adnan is a good person. I think he only has bad intentions." Damn straight!
Grade: D (tuberculosis)

Life & Style
"The Only Way I'll Marry Spencer": Heidi Montag says of Spencer Pratt: "I feel like I'm dating a preschooler sometimes. It's always play time with him." An insider says, "He's always looking for ways to make money but never actually working." Oh, and the couple is planning to go to Africa with the United Nations. Haven't the people of Africa suffered enough??? Also inside: Angelina is trying to get pregnant; she's been eating a lot of fatty foods to gain weight and even had — dun dun dun — McDonald's! (Trista would not approve!) Is Jessica Simpson's dad ruining her love life again? He meddled when she was with Nick Lachey and John Mayer, and he's doing it again with Tony Romo.
Grade: D+ (hepatitis C)

In Touch
"Pregnancy News": Apparently, since she was seen drinking water at an event and people think her boobs look bigger, Angelina is pregnant. Cuz, you know, there's no reason to drink water unless you're knocked up! Other people who may or may not be pregnant include Gwen Stefani, Avril Lavigne and Pamela Anderson. And you! Also inside: Britney's suicide note has a poem about death and says she is sorry for never making her life what everyone else wanted. Katie Holmes is too skinny and "her clavicles could poke your eyes out," says a random doctor. The mag claims she is 5'9" and 110lbs and starting to look like Posh. Burn! Lindsay had dinner at the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel with Adrian Grenier and it was "definitely a date," says a source. She made the reservation! Lauren Conrad bought a house in Hollywood but might keep Audrina as a roommate: "I would never live alone in a house by myself," she says. "It's so scary! I don't even think my parents would let me." There's a page of wall-to-wall photos of the many many instances in which Lindsay has been photographed wearing leggings, hilarious. "The List" this week is "Top Ten Plastic Surgery Nightmares" including Tara Reid's stomach, Kathy Griffin's near-death lipo, and Kanye West's mom, RIP.
Grade: C (malaria)

"Kevin's $10 million Tell All!" Kevin Federline might write a book about his life with Britney Spears. A random publisher in San Francisco says a book like that could get $10 mil. Kevin's "been writing things down for a long time about his tempestuous time with Britney," says a source. Apparently Britney would call Kevin in a panic claiming a stranger was in the house or that she'd broken her leg. Kevin would rush over and she would act like nothing had happened. Also, there are 15 surveillance cameras in Britney's house and the footage could show stuff like Britney flying into a rage and whacking Kevin with a frying pan. Please let the nonexistent book be published! Also inside: Lindsay Lohan is hooking up with Luke Walton, a player for the Lakers — a witness says they went out and she asked him to stay over. Score! American Idol finalist Trenyce is seeing R. Kelly! They were "affectionate" with each other at Roscoe's House of Chicken & Waffles. Sarah Jessica Parker's son James might be in the Sex And The City movie: He's in a scene in Central Park, but it's so short it may get cut. Audrina Patridge of The Hills did a skanky photo shoot for Unico Exotic Wear in 2005 and Star has the pix! She's wearing a three-inch Catholic school girl skirt in one image. Nicole Richie's baby delivery wasn't completely smooth: After her water broke she begged for an epidural; then the baby was blue when it first came out. Everything turned out fine now; she's just exhausted and "cries at the drop of a hat." Meanwhile Christina Aguilera pushed for 24 hours — while wearing red lipstick — before docs did a C-section. Soon-to-be-divorced Pamela Anderson isn't doing well: She "walks around like a zombie..." then "breaks down and cries," says a source. So this morning Page Six reported that Britney and Adnan were in a dressing room at Betsey Johnson for 45 minutes making "weird noises," which sounds like hanky-panky. But a shopper tells Star that Britney was in there "crying loudly." Sigh. Justin Timberlake and Kate Hudson were seen making out in Hollywood club Villa. Scandalous! Jessica Biel is in London filming a movie: When the cat's away... Eva Longoria and Tony Parker were at a party when someone said something about oral sex. Tony said, "What's the difference? A mouth is a mouth." Then Eva hit him.
Grade: B- (chickenpox)