Congratulations to the family Spears! As expected, Britney is on 4 of 5 tabloid covers this week, and she shares the 5th with little sister Jamie Lynn. Just when you thought you'd heard it all, the rags belt out amazing details on Britney's crazy night last Thursday, as well as her relationship with paparazzo Adnan Ghalib. Her troubles are music to a publisher's ears! Trying to follow this high opera of gossip may make you feel like you're going to have a psychotic break of your own... That's why we're in tune with Star, OK! In Touch, Us and Life & Style, as we (with the help of Intern Sharon) discover which mags have Britney in perfect pitch. Sing along with us, after the jump.

"Insane! Inside Britney's Tragic Freefall Into Madness" If you haven't been keeping up with the Britney developments, Star offers thorough, detailed coverage. You might even learn things you didn't already know, like: When the cops found Britney and Jayden James locked in the bathroom, JJ was "drowsy from the NyQuil she'd given him to quiet him down." Britney threatened to jump out of the ambulance, forcing the EMTs to restrain her ankles. And! When the (poor, probably underpaid) court-appointed monitor took Sean Preston out of the house and came back for Jayden with the help of Brit's bodyguard Big Mike, Britney "pounced" on Mike and bit his leg. That's when the monitor dialed 911. Plus, Britney had been self-medicating all afternoon with Prozac and Adderall — washing the pills down with Purple Drank™. (That's cough syrup, pain killers and diet Sprite for you newbies.) While hospitalized, Britney was "mean, rude and belligerent" to the staff, threw a tray and ripped out her IV. She says she already has a suicide note written, stating Kevin drove her to it, which she keeps in her wallet in case she dies. But that's not all! Britney's new man, Adnan Ghalib, was born in Afghanistan but moved to London when he was 5 years old. He later moved to America, specifically the West Coast, inspired by Tupac's "California Love." And yeah, he is still married to his second wife, Azlynn Berry, thought they lead separate lives... but share a checking account. Also inside: Linday Lohan "has a PhD in lying," says a source. "She spins everything to look good." She's not sober, although she tries to act like rehab made her a new woman. And she told her record label she'd have new material by January 1st but went to Capri and made out with dudes instead. There's a photo-driven story called "Gym Or Genes" that explains how certain female celebs stay slim. Sienna Miller, Angelina Jolie and Hilary Swank have skinny genes; Fergie, Jennifer Garner and Hayden Panetierre have to work out. Halle Berry and her baby daddy Gabriel Aubry are living separate lives: He's trying to focus on his career; she doesn't want to get married. Ooh, page 30 has an item titled "Is Nicole Pregnant?" while page 94 has a short piece called "Nicole Kidman Is Pregnant! Guess which page shipped first in the magazine's closing schedule?
Grade: B- ("Gimme More")

In Touch
"Pregnant Jamie Lynn Dumped!" Britney is supposedly talking shit about her sister! She told a friend Jamie Lynn's supposed baby daddy Casey Aldridge doubts the kid is his, since there are rumors JLS slept with a producer on her show — and Casey wants a paternity test. "They've both strayed a bit from their relationship," says an insider. "They're teenagers, after all." JLS wants to decorate her baby's room with Care Bears — "She played with them up until a few years ago," a source snipes. Also inside: Britney coverage. When she had brunch with Adnan in Palm Desert over the weekend, a staffer at the restaurant says "she looked like she'd dragged herself out of bed," and "I remember thinking, 'This girl is messed up.' Especially when she took her drink to the bathroom." Cosmetic surgery peeps this week: Heidi Montag has collagen; Nicolette Sheridan's ass is way smoother than it used to be, and Jen Bunney from The Hills had a nose job. Madonna spends $10,000 a month on water — Kabbalah water! It's all she drinks and she has it shipped wherever she travels. There was a "vacation showdown" when Ashlee Simpson went to Costa Rica, where her sister's ex husband Nick Lachey was also on holiday, yawn. There's also some stuff from Andrew Morton's unauthorized Tom Cruise biography — some think Suri was spawned by the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard. Not sure about this story called "Is Lindsay Lohan Addicted To Sex?" A 21-year-old who makes out with three guys while on vacay in Italy is not necessarily an addict, right? Jennifer Aniston was set up on a blind date with Entourage star Kevin Connelly by her "friends" Tobey Maguire and his wife Jennifer Meyer. "She usually goes for taller guys, but Jen likes guys who can make her laugh and Kevin kept her in stitches," says a source. "Their Boyfriends Are Loaded" is a list of women dating rich dudes: Geri Halliwell's man, Evgeny Lebedev, is a Russian heir whose dad is known as the Donald Trump of Russia; Uma Thurman's dude Arpad Busson is worth $500 million; Salma Hayek "wins" with François-Henri Pinault, whose luxury goods company is worth $14.5 billion.
Grade: C ("Oops!...I Did It Again")

"Last Day With Mommy" Photographer Dani Brubaker spent a day photographing Britney Spears and her kids. She tells her story to the mag, painting the pop star as a model mom. "She was very loving, she was very attentive to their needs," Brubaker says. "I'm told that when she saw the photographs, she cried for over an hour and stared at them all night long." Know what? The pix are really sweet. Also inside: Amy Winehouse tells the mag: "I have lost weight because I don't smoke weed anymore. I go to the gym, I drink a lot of water, and I eat right." What does she eat? "West Indian food, KFC, tuna salad and chicken soup." Angelina is desperate to get pregnant: She tried to gain weight by eating Brad's mom's home-cooking (pot roast, potatoes and cherry pie.) There's a story called "Their Life Together" that's all about Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge house-hunting in Louisiana and enjoying each others' company. Casey is an "environmental engineer", aka a pipe fitter. He thought about becoming an extra on Zoey 101 but decided against it and is laying low. Also Tara Reid says: "I'm not anorexic. I was thin for a movie that I just finished." It's a horror film called Vipers. Oscar alert!
Grade: C ("Crazy")

"Time Bomb": Yet another play-by-play of the Britney drama, which the writer Kevin O'Leary calls "Surreal and Shakespearean." After her hospitalization, Britney went to a Saks Fifth Avenue in Palm Desert, California and a clerk asked if she was Britney Spears. Britney answered in a sing-song voice, "No, but I wish I was." Also, Adnan Ghalib's wife may be in cahoots with him on this whole posing for pix with BritBrit thing — a source says they have an arrangement. "She encouraged her husband to pursue the pop star so they both reap the windfall." Classy! Lastly, Lauren Conrad is back on with her Laguna dude, Stephen Colletti, formerly of TRL: they were seen dancing and making out at club LAX.
Grade: D- ("Do Somethin'")

Life & Style
"What Her Kids Saw": When Britney Spears locked herself in the bedroom, an insider says, "It was like something out of a horror movie. All you could hear was screaming. Jayden was crying hysterically." In addition, Britney began to speak in a series of strange voices: "She was talking in all these different accents. It was creepy." Experts and insiders agree she probably has bipolar disorder. There's also information about Lindsay Lohan's exploits in Capri: One dude was 27, one guy was 21, the other was 40. You go girl!
Grade: D- ("I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman")