See this? It's John McCain. In the spirit of Matt Drudge's celebration of Hillary Clinton's distinguished mouth wrinkles (see the attractive photo he just removed from his site after the jump!) we are, in the name of equal opportunity, using this space to document, just for you, that Hillary is not only candidate with "experience." Ron Paul is old, as is Joe Biden, and we're hoping to get a pic of Mike Huckabee's abdominal stretch marks to remind you guys that what he lacks in numerical age he more than makes up for when you think about how close to death he could be! (Also: he went to a two-year college, meaning two extra years learning by doing!) And experience can't hurt in times like these! The Iranian Navy just radioed to tell us they were planning on blowing us up, George McGovern wants to impeach George Bush, Wyoming just threw the massive heft of its GOP caucus delegation behind Mitt Romney, and sexy Lara Logan hypnotized Pervez Musharraf into admitting he blamed Bhutto for her own death i.e. maybe had her stupid reckless ass killed off. In other words, it's a good thing the Daily Show is back!
MOE: Okay there is OMG TOO MUCH TO DISCUSS TODAY.
For starters So there's no link for this yet but apparently Iran is declaring some sort of naval war on us.
MEGAN: Iran has a Navy?
MOE: Apparently! Do you think they are just jealous about the Economist naming PAKISTAN the most dangerous place on earth?
MEGAN: Well, look what being the only Axis of Evil country we didn't yet threaten to attack has done to Kim Jong Il...
MOE: Seriously it kind of seems from the news reports like a harmless little prank. Apparently some Iranians told some US navymen over the radios something along the lines of "We're going to blow you up ha ha ha insha Allah."
MEGAN: So, it's sort of like the MiGs in Top Gun?
MOE: Only with virgins! Um so like I was thinking about Pakistan. And who is fucking dumber in this regard? Musharraf for blaming Bhutto for her own death on '60 Minutes'? Or fucking PARADE magazine for running with that "I'm what terrorists fear most" cover?
MEGAN: Well, allowing him to blame her for her own death was sort of the obvious purpose of saying that she died from hitting her head on the sunroof lever while in a moving vehicle. So, I find that not at all surprising.
I mean, he didn't want to have to provide for her security, and didn't, and then bang-bang-bang KABOOM! and she's dead and he doesn't want to look at all at fault going into the elections.
Also, I think any stupidity contest in which PARADE is an entry, PARADE wins.
MOE: Oh yeah. I mean, and he has a point; they tried to assassinate her before! He warned her! Why did she go into that dangerous nasty neighborhood where all the assassins rome free? But did you watch 60 Minutes? There was something really funny about the way Lara Logan so soothingly was all "Prime minister, it seems like she was annoying you. Was Bhutto annoying you?" Lara Logan would be great at phone sex.
MEGAN: Well, I guess we call him Uncle Pervy for a reason?
Did she stroke his hair while she said it?
MOE: He doesn't have a bad head of hair.
Um so how is New Hampshire? I see Ron Paul is being discriminated against.
MEGAN: Assuming it's all his.
Well, Jim's in New Hampshire while I remain resplendent in the DC Metro area where it is, oh, about 50 degrees right now.
I hear it is cold. And The New Hampshire GOP dropped out of co-sponsoring the Fox debate because Fox said screw Ron Paul.
We're hoping he'll have his own debate of one on the Internet, because that would be awesome.
MOE: Oh man, CNN just replayed the clip. That Lara Logan is so so so pretty! Anyhow! So did you watch the debates on Saturday? Because I read at least seven newspaper recaps that described Hillary's performance as "scrappy" but I didn't actually see it myself. I think because there was a good Top Model rerun on?
MEGAN: I did, but I might have drunk my way through them.
What does scrappy mean, anyway?
Besides that it's a condescending way to say that she stood up for herself but not quite like a man would?
MOE: Oh, I dunno, I feel like I heard McCain and scrappy in the same sentence many a time before he got too old for it. Speaking of which, you stay classy Matt Drudge!
Seriously, does Wayne Brady have to choke a bitch again?
MOE: See, I think it's pretty obvious Drudge just fears the "post partisan" atmosphere represented by candidates like Obama. Did you read? It's the supposed fear of the Republican party right now. So he's gotta rankle us femilady contingents for Hillary.
MEGAN: Yeah, I did read that. I went, whuh? But it was pretty early.
MOE: Oooh, new poll numbers.
Hey, also, Romney won the Wyoming caucus or something?
MEGAN: Also, I love that POLITICIANS of all stripes are like "words aren't actions."
MOE: HOW DID WE MISS THE WYOMING CAUCUS?
MEGAN: Can I make a pot calling the kettle black joke?
MOE: AND SPEAKING OF WYOMING
MEGAN: We missed Wyoming because no one cares? Including the candidates?
MOE: Um, George McGovern called for PRESIDENT CHENEY to be impeached. And somehow this is the most-viewed story on the Washington Post website?
MEGAN: We love us some hot impeachment action?
MOE: (Speaking of which, you need to launch an investigation as to why that weird Pentagon layoffs story from a month ago is still in the most-viewed list. Can't the DOD just block the WaPo with its firewall?)
MEGAN: Also, for fuck's sake, people. There's a war on. Do you not remember 1998? It takes months and months and Congress doesn't do anything else AND THERE IS A WAR ON. IMPEACHMENT DOES NOT END THE WAR.
MOE: Um there's also a campaign on! like who cares right? Oh my god tell me you skimmed this so I don't have to.
Problems with newfangled voting machines are the subject of a 978-page New York Times Magazine profile
MEGAN: I did not, because I have a life and also I drank a bottle of wine last night and watched reruns of Iron Chef America because that is more interesting.
Because Diebold conspiracy theories are the new 9/11 conspiracy theories are the new JFK conspiracy theories and yawn.
MOE: Also, the Times magazine had yet another defense of Mormonism. At least I think it's a defense. It starts out saying it is irrational to think Christianity is not as weird as Mormonism just because the "revelations" happened post-Enlightenment. I really do not understand the rationale of calling that irrational.
MEGAN: I think that all religious beliefs sound kind of weird when you think about them rationally.
You know, God says kill your son, floods the world, rains fire, Jesus comes back to life, immaculate conception, etc. It sounds all teh Crazy.
MOE: But isn't it easier to be like, this is crazy because it was written when people thought the world was flat and that pigs were possessed by the devil which is why they were so fat so don't eat em guys!
Of course it's crazy, right?
MEGAN: Well, but in 1850 we thought things that sound crazy now.
Like, um, all brown people are lesser than white people?
MOE: No, we didn't all think that.
MEGAN: Oh, wait, that's a part of Mormonism, my bad.
NO actually i just read this Mormon guide to racism that explained that LDS actually thinks that black people are superior beings to white people.
But they can't be priests because they come from the wrong line of ancesotrs
Something like that; it's too stupid, Romney is kind of a goner anyway.
MEGAN: Yeah, he does seem like a goner. He is, pardon if I'm repeating myself, Al Gore in 2000, losing his home state (because NH is practically MA).