It's time for another installment of Pot Psychology, the advice column in which everyone's problems are solved by inhaling copious amounts marijuana. (Did we mention? Don't do drugs!) Got a burning question? Send it to tips@jezebel.com

with "Pot Psychology" in the subject line.

Dear Slut Machine,
What do you do when you realize the person you've been sleeping with is a douche bag misogynist? Not quite at the level of Paul Janka, but still a douche. I've "dumped" him and cut him off, but what else can I do?

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t feels like putting a glass bottle in the trash only to realize there's a recycling bin a few feet away, and you're like, "Had I known, I would not have contributed to this environmental problem!" You know? My usual solution, pissing on the asshole's mattress, won't work here. Help!



You know, whether it's recycling or not, it's all still trash. You used it for what you needed, you're done with it, and now you don't need it. Who cares about what happens to it now that you're rid of it? Just be a better judge of character next time. I understand your regret that you slept with someone like that, 'cause I've soooooooooooooooooooooooooo been there, but you can't think about it anymore 'cause you're just building him up to be on a level of notability that he probably doesn't even deserve. Oh, but if you really can't shake wanting to do something gross to him, my friend told me that if you fart in an empty Pringles tube and then close it, the next person to open it will smell it. So you could mail that to him. Although, you know what? Sometimes regular potato chip bags kinda smell like farts when you open them. This one time I was at the movies, and I thought someone farted, and it was just these people in front of me who snuck in a bag of Lays. Yeah, that idea is stupid. Never mind.

Dear Slut Machine,
If I get high and eat an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's, but then wake up the next morning and don't remember doing it, do the calories still count?

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I read this question and it seemed retarded, so I thought that maybe I just wasn't high enough, so I just smoked another bowl to my head and it's still retarded. It makes me want to hang myself with the strings of a shopping bag, or slice my wrists with the shards of a broken Cosmo glass. But just know that as a rule, nothing that you do when you're wasted counts as long as you can get rid of it shortly after you sober up, you know, like pregnancies, the Clap, the dude you woke up next to, etc.

Dear Slut Machine,
I've been dating this guy for a little over a week. But we're in college and it's reading week (a vacation of no classes before finals) so we've been spending tons of time together. Last night, however, things got a little out of hand. And I plead not guilty to having instigated any of it. We went so far as to start having sex, but he stopped halfway through saying we were going too fast. I am at a school where most people haven't even had their first kisses yet, so I can understand why a guy would react like this in this particular social context. He freaked out, said he doesn't do this until he's "in love", I freaked out, and then I basically bolted. Now I'm not sure what to do or say. We are in a lot of classes together and involved in a couple of activities. So he will naturally be in my life for the next two and a half years. Oh, and we were completely sober during this whole ordeal. What do I do?

DUUUUUUUUDE, I think that what you need to do is transfer out of that college. NOW! Not because that guy is in all your classes, but because on your week off they make you read. When I got a week off, it was called Spring Break, and I only had to read the milligrams of the pills and the labels on liquor bottles. Also no one in your school kisses or fucks? I'd die. I'd absolutely die...of boredom. But I think if you're set on staying there, than the best thing you should do is like lure him into getting with you again, and then just start masturbating in front of him, and don't jerk him off and then tell him that he has to jerk off while you masturbate. And tell him to come on your tits. He'll probably think he's "in love" after that. But if you don't do that with him, you should def do it with someone else. 'Cause it's really fun.

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Dear Slut Machine,
I'm gonna get hate on this, but I'm in love with my best friend's boyfriend. We've had sex twice, and text message everyday. Keep in mind he is also my boyfriend's best friend. We don't think what we do with each other has much to do with them. Are we (meaning we are all close, like everyday talk kind of close, on) totally gross and fooling ourselves?

She may be your best friend, but you are her worst friend. Real talk.