The Iowa caucuses are today. ASLEEP YET? Barack Obama is so tired he thought 10,000 people died in Kansas tornadoes and only 12 did. Joe Biden and Fred Thompson are so tired they are taking up something called yogic flying. Huckabee is so tired he inadvertently let it slip to Jay Leno he wanted to Get Vertical" with Obama. The voters are too tired to notice so he is 3 or 9 or 22 points in the lead depending which pollsters are delirious enough to offer you an answer. No one is awake enough to explain why oil has gone up 1000% in price while gas is still cheaper than it was ten years ago in Europe. Oh yeah and it's all taking its toll on Hillary Clinton's face. And it's all taking its toll on my patience for downloading AP photos so I used this cool graphic from the New York Daily News, New York's Hometown Newspaper. After the jump, that and our plot to abolish the electoral college by leading an angry telecommuter exodus to the friendly Iowa border town of Davenport.
MOE: Okay, so, when do we find out if all the polls are true and obama is Iowa's Next Top Democratic Presidential Candidate (just like Tom Harkin back in 92!!!!)
MEGAN: Well, the actual caucuses don't start until 6:30 Iowa time, so probably in time for the 11:00 news?
MOE: not faiirrrrr are you liveblogging tonight?
That's like forever from now
it's not even really today even.
MEGAN: i know!
MOE: This has gotten SO BORING.
MEGAN: luckily, ken's on the West Coast, so it's like awake time for him
MOE: I bet even the lucky political bloggers who are ACTUALLY THERE are bored by now
MEGAN: Yes, I'm going to suggest that that's true. Also, that they are very, very cold.
MOE: Okay, I just looked at that video. And then I looked away. Did you actually watch it? Just so the readers know, it's a video presumably taken by the two political bloggers for the Examiner newspapers, which used to be called the Journal newspapers. They cover the suburbs of Washington D.C. and when I worked at the Washington Times they were considered "feeder papers" to the Washington Times. Imagine that! To get an $18K a year reporting job that could potentially, if you worked really, really hard, lead to a $20K a year reporting job on the metro section of the Washington Times! Ah, those WERE the days. Also, Bill Clinton was still president but the Monica thing was pretty much over so it was realllly boring. The Clinton presidency is looking bleaker all the time!
MEGAN: I did actually watch it, because I know Patrick and because it's 9:00 in the morning and stopping it required extra effort I just didn't have.
Also, the corn made me sort of hungry
And I was waiting for a picture of a piggie, but no luck.
MOE: I know what you mean. That's how I felt when I watched that clip of Huckabee playing guitar and then saying that of all the Democratic candidates he liked Obama because instead of being HORIZONTAL all the time like that fat lecherous predator Bill Clinton he was more of a "vertical" candidate. I sort of get the sense Huckabee would like to do Obama while standing up i.e. working hard vertically. But that could have been just me.
MEGAN: Please, there's no way on God's green earth that Huckles is a top. But, I don't think it counts as being horizontal if you're just bent over. And, Huckles is right on one thing: Clinton totally prefers the female superior position.
MOE: A really deep thought just occurred to me. You know how, right now, there is this incredible thirst for information, this demand for something, ANYTHING, to say about the news? And yet, you know, nothing is happening at all? Maybe we should take advantage of that DEMAND from al 2,000 of our readers to actually try and talk about something of substance, like this story about how the price of oil has increased 1000% and, you know...wait so why isn't gas $10 a gallon then?
MEGAN: Umm, damn, you're going to make me think about crap I learned in grad school? Isn't a barrel way bigger than we think it is, or something, plus cars aren't even the biggest source of oil usage because that's the airlines and heavy trucks and stuff? Which are taxed more? Because I feel like diesel used to be less expensive than gas and now it's always more, and airline fares and through the roof.
Also, because $10 a gallon oil would probably make gas demand elastic again?
MOE: Well airlines hedge their purchases of jet fuel heavily. I know THAT much. So they're probs not paying full price. Maybe a better number to use is the value of hydrocarbon exports from the Middle East and Central Asia, which at $750 bilion has increased fourfold according to the IMF — don't say they're good for nothing! — and anyway that's three quarters of the way to a trillion dollars and it's financing a lot of awesome "infrastructure" funding like I would imagine the transportation to get around all those palm-shaped man-made archipelago replete with Trump Towers like these ones that are so popular these das.
Oooh but they are sharing the wealth. Underscoring the region's new global financial heft, Abu Dhabi recently swooped to the rescue of Citigroup Inc. with a $7.5 billion cash infusion as it struggled with write-downs from this year's credit crisis.
MEGAN: Oh, well, ok, that makes me feel better. Plus the custom islands are, like, totally pretty! I'm glad that a Emirate could save Citibank.
Because there's nothing like having a foreign country pull your ass out of the crapper after you've screwed over untold numbers of poor Americans in a mortgage crisis and lost your shirt to make me feel better. Also, then, it wasn't like my tax dollars had to do it.
MOE: You know what is the annoyingest part though is that GOLDMAN could have financed that bailout with a THIRD OF THEIR FUCKING CHRISTMAS BONUS POOL. Okay, also, um, is this on video anywhere?
Senator Barack Obama, Democrat of Illinois, blamed fatigue for his drastically overstating the death toll from tornadoes in Kansas in May. He said 10,000 people died. (12 did.)
From today's Times story about candidate fatigue. Blowbama says he got 8 hours on Christmas. They all need adderall if you ask me.
But no one did.
MEGAN: Or, I don't know, sleep? Or a campaign that doesn't start 2 years before an election?
MOE: Or wait, how about some yogic flying. Um, so among the idiotic subsubniches the candidates have been forced to suck off in Iowa is a group of adherents to a practice called Transcendental Meditation. Here's an idea, how bout two years before the next campaign we organize a grassroots migration of permalancer telecommuters to Iowa and New Hampshire where we will hijack the caucus process and demand a president who will nominate only Supreme Court justices who pledge to ABOLISH THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE. We'll call it Generation Xodus!
MEGAN: OMG, transcendental meditationists have more importance in the political process than I do? The system must end!
Yeah, I'm in for moving somewhere else and hijacking the process. You heading north or west?
MOE: Someone's gotta move West. How far is Iowa from Chicago
MEGAN: not as far as New York is?
Google maps says it's 5 hours from Chicago to Des Moines
MOE: we could just live in some border town
my friend Don would put us up in Chicago he's got a big apartment.
MEGAN: Cool. Davenport's a border town
MOE: Let's do it. We'll be totally famous.
MEGAN: Famous for Iowa? Sounds pretty good!
MOE: And imagine how much money we will save on alcohol!!!!!
We will spend it all on gas which will be $13.4999 a gallon
MEGAN: Ethanol's cheap in Iowa though, with all the corn! We could get an E-85 car and tool around on sweet corn!
MOE: And then there will be a big scandal when it is discovered we were slipping adderall to our favorite candidate the whole time