Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue a virtual spanking to the internet's most popular gossip bloggers for their Crimes Against Womanity. And oh my god, did this week's perps do their best to spoil our holiday spirit. [I was offended, and I am offended by nothing. -Moe] But in the spirit of forgiveness and as a testament to our faith in rehabilitation, we're going to hope they got it out of their systems this week and recommend New Years Resolutions for each of our defendants, in hopes they'll look at 2008 as the year to begin gossip blogging minus their usual rampant, wholly unoriginal misogyny...and maybe plus a little "funny" once in awhile? Let the Jezebel Justice System begin.
The Charge: Violent Objectification
The Accused: Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Evidence: "[Nicky Hilton] actually has a good body for a spoiled racist, it's her stupid fat face that ruins everything. She'd be pretty hot if you chopped off her head, but although I haven't actually checked, I have to assume it's illegal to F a decapitated dead girl, regardless of how much sexual tension there may between the two of you."
Points For Good Behavior: Nicky Hilton has a fat face? What? Also, as many other gossip bloggers have pointed out, she's actually looking kind of rexy lately - nice to know Brendan finds the emaciated look sexy, minus, of course, the fat head he'd like to rid her of. Um,
The Resolution: "The next time I think about making a joke about raping a decapitated dead girl, I will think about my mom, and my sister, and my grandma, the three women I should have been thinking about for the last year, every time I inexplicably made a joke about rape that might have been taken as a satirical statement as to the only logical end of all this mindless objectification of women had I not forgotten the "wit" part. And I will smile, remember that Nicky Hilton was just written out of her grandpa's will, and maybe work the "talentless mindless product of privilege" angle I was starting to go for with the whole "racist" reference.
The Charge: Whore-ifying
The Accused: Mario Lavandeira from Perez Hilton.
The Evidence: "That Russian Whore Gives Birth: Yulia Volkova, 22, of Russian faux lesbian duo t.A.T.u (They're Not Gonna Get Us) gave birth to a baby boy on Thursday. The child joins Yulia's daughter, Viktoria, 3, from a different father. She gets around!"
Points For Good Behavior: Yeah, no points for Perez, just a personal rule, especially on something like this. I mean, not to say that t.A.T.u was, like, some trailblazing pair of musicians or anything, but since when did having two babies with two different fathers — which is to say, claiming two separate sex partners — make someone a "whore", fag? Cause that would make, I dunno, Heidi Klum a whore, and Susan Sarandon a whore...and, well you get the fucking point.
The Resolution: "I will remember that birth control is an issue for both men and women to take responsibility for and that I, as a gay man, never have to worry about getting someone pregnant, so maybe I should not pass so much judgment on the parenting choices of people I don't know, with the possible exception of Jamie Lynn Spears. Also, I will stop believing all those prank calls from Fidel Castro claiming he is dead. The only one who is amused by the joke at this point is probably Castro himself, and he's pretty much senile."
The Charge: Archaic Rumor Mongering
The Accused: Janet Charlton from Janet Charlton's Hollywood.
The Evidence: "Apparently ladies man Casey is considered quite a catch in Kentwood, La. despite the fact that he's a construction worker. He's tall, good looking, and personable and was popular in high school.... Could [Jamie-Lynn's] pregnancy be a desperate attempt to hold on to Casey?"
Points For Good Behavior: Okay, so for those of you who didn't spend your childhood watching Regis and Kathie-Lee, Janet Charlton is an old school gossip writer, which may be why such an old-fashioned notion - getting pregnant to hold onto a man - seems so plausible to her, considering she's, like, 70-years old. Jamie-Lynn is 16 and rich and we just cannot believe for a second that the fact that this Casey douche is "popular" and "tall" would make her decide to get pregnant on the sly. Also, Charlton doesn't even offer any evidence for her theory - no anonymous sources, no nothing! Just her own haggish theorizing.
The Resolution: "I will retire and take up knitting."
The Charge: Twisted Racism
The Accused: Jesus Martinez from Drunken Stepfather.
The Evidence: "Here are some pictures of Kim Kardashian and her black boyfriend doing some shopping. I was going to write about how she's got jungle fever, but bitch has had so much black dick in her life, she's pretty much Denzel Washington, so going after black cock isn't anything out of the ordinary. Either way, I am all for interracial couples because I know that black dudes love fucking fat white chicks and now fat assed armenian chicks, and I don't, so they can have them.... Sure, there's that whole sex tape she had with a black dude proving that once you go black you never go back because no white guy will take you back..."
Points For Good Behavior: Mommy, our brain hurts!!!! Can someone explain the Denzel Washington joke? Our brain is so overwhelmed by the cunts and the black cocks and the fat jokes and the racist notion that white guys won't fuck a girl who's fucked a black guy that we literally don't think we could spell our own name right now. Is this what DS is trying to do? Overwhelm us to the point of illiteracy? Did we forget to mention he gets no points?
The Resolution: "I will cut off all of my fingers just above the knuckle so they are just little stumps, so if I want to type, I have to use my filthy disgusting tongue to do it, in so doing which I will teach myself how to stretch my tongue far enough to suck my own balls, a hobby which will distract me from writing that terrible blog for at least a year."
Yeah, sorry, got carried away.