Geeks somewhere used nanotechnology or something like that to uncover the ancient mystery of what exactly Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett Johansson in the final scene of Lost In Translation. I'm going to tell you what it was, but I'm putting it after the jump bc I'm a whore that way, though in advance of that I'd just like to say, "Scarlett, I wish I could say 'my sentiments exactly.' And I wish it held up. I loved this movie, see, and even though you were a brat I loved you in it. I loved the way you gazed around the jetlagged permadawn of East Asia. I loved the way your eyes conveyed that fascin/alienated wonder of foreign travel, your unbridled badness at karaoke, and most of all your total naked contempt for everyone — the Japs! the lounge singer! Anna Faris! — around you. It was so darn BELIEVABLE. It's my own bad, then, for getting sick of you when it turned out that you actually are, minus the Yale and the tastefully understated hair/wardrobe/makeup, 'Charlotte.' You're Charlotte run amok! Charlotte with rhinoplasty."
Oh yeah! Here's what he said.
I have to go, but I won't let that come between us.
Romantic, yes? Anyway, four years after the fact here are a few things that did come between us:
1. Your musical career. You suck at singing! No one can fake being that bad at karaoke. But no — you had to go record and album of Tom Waits covers — does it get more pre-dictable/tentious? Maybe Nico covers, but I digress — and sing background for the Jesus & Mary Chain at Coachella. And then, to prove your versatility or whatevs, you had to float those rumors about starring in South Pacific. Um, hello roles that actually require talent!
2. And speaking of washing stuff out of your hair, let's discuss the "bombshell" shit. Really, so tired. You washed a bunch of Peroxide into your hair, got your nose did and suddenly you were just another logo whore. I can't fault a girl for taking easy money, but...actually I can!
3. So you fucked Benicio Del Toro in an elevator, and then called the experience "unsanitary." You said you'd "sew the hem on his pants if he asked me to," of Woody Allen. Every interview I read with you is distinctly irritating, or else I wouldn't remember dumb quotes like "Some fellows like me." Ugh, shut up and hand over your thesaurus to Jessica Simpson already. Okay...
4. The Perfect Score
5. Outfits like this.
Anyway, so yeah, I have to leave now, but I could actually really give a shit about you at this point anymore. But damn, did I love you in that movie. I think of it every time I get my hair cut!