If it's Wednesday, then this must be Midweek Madness! Does any one still believe that Britney Spears is pregnant? The editors at Bauer Publishing sure do. Brit wins 3 of 5 covers this week, although she shares Life & Style with J. Lo and Nicole Richie. After the jump, we check out the pesky Hollywood pests known as In Touch, Star, OK!, Us and Life & Style.

In Touch
"Risking The Baby"! Insiders say Britney Spears has been abusing prescription drug Adderall to take away her hunger. And it could harm her fetus, if she has one, which they want you to think she does. Brit still eats junk food, though, and during breaks on photo and video shoots, "friend" Sam Lufti immediately brings her a latte or soda. Brit thinks she is fat and is using a body double in her video, sigh. Also inside: Madonna got the official okay to keep adopted baby David Banda. Katherine Heigl's wedding guest list has no room for some family members because she's inviting A-list celebs instead. One aunt says "as she's gotten more famous, she has become more distant." But Katherine's rep says the wedding is small and Katherine "never shared a close relationship with this woman." Also: Spencer Pratt wants to make up with Lauren Conrad: He's realized that he can't get enough publicity by being the bad guy, so he's trying to get closer to The Hills star. Plus: Hilary and Haylie Duff bailed on a $400 tab at a Vancouver, Canada bar; Avril Lavigne performed two songs, then left her show early to catch the Spice Girls' show and Lindsay Lohan showed up to a Hollywood club holding a "suspicious water bottle."
Grade: C+ (mouse)

"Britney Elopes!" Brit allegedly called her lawyers, said she wanted to elope and asked if it would have a negative effect on her custody case. The attorneys were all, um, yeah. Apparently Osama "Sam" Lufti showers Britney with attention, which is how he controls her. He stays in her house and she buys him food, clothing and drinks. He's telling her to give child custody to Kevin so that she'll be free to tour, aka make more money. Sister Jaime Lynn "hates" him. Also inside: "Paid To Party" is a list of stars who command appearance fees for showing up at clubs and events: Paris and Nicky get a mil, Kim Kardashian gets $75K, Kevin Federline gets $200K, and Jennifer Hudson gets $200K as well. Plus: Are Eva Longoria and Mario Lopez more than just friends? Their relationship goes back a while and they're always together. Hilton wedding? David Katzenberg plans to pop the question to Nicky Hilton over Christmas! Kerry Washington, 30, was seen making out with old white guy and MSNBC senior political analyst Lawrence O'Donnell, 52, on a flight from LA to Newark. A former flame claims kissing Adrian Grenier is "painful" and like "rubbing your face against sand paper." Nicole Richie bought Juicy Crittoure dog perfume; Joel Madden thinks it smells great and wears it. Jen Aniston and Vince Vaughn are back on! They had dinner with a group of friends at at hotel in L.A. and once the wine started flowing, Jen jumped into Vince's lap. Ethan Hawke and the nanny may have hooked up while Ethan was still married to Uma — but they're making it seem like they waited a whole year. They're living together now, by the way. "Desperately Seeking $ugar Daddy" is a story about how Lindsay Lohan wants a rich man. She thinks Stavros Niarchos is hot because he has money, says a source, and likes to talk about how he's "richer than God." She's also asked 50 Cent and Calum Best for cash. Mary-Kate's "secret lover" is an art world wild child named Nate Lowman. Some guy Brad Pitt promised a home to in New Orleans is actually a convicted housing fraud scammer. There are 15 pages of the top scandals of 2007, including Oscar De La Hoya in fishnets, Lindsay passed out in a car, Britney 's umbrella attack and Paris Hilton crying on her way to jail.
Grade: B- (mosquito)

"My Perfect Holiday" The mag asked Rachael Ray if she would start a family in 2008, she says she doesn't even have enough time for her dog: "I think that it would be irresponsible for me to have a human child." Intern Sharon says: Thanks for the population control! Also inside: The girls from The Girls Next Door think Tom Cruise would be a bad choice to play Hugh Hefner. "I don't think he's sexy enough," says Holly. Plus: Although at first Jessica Simpson scared Tony Romo off by texting him incessantly, she's learning to get better at the relationship stuff. (When she was with Nick Lachey she would insist that he sit there while she had her hair blown out, snooze.) And Backstreet Boy Howie D got married! The couple arrived at the reception via helicopter, and all the Boys attended. Backstreet's back, alright?
Grade: D- (tapeworm)

"Couple Of The Year" There are lots of end-of-the-year type stories in this issue, including the one that crowns Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt as couple of the year. Britney Spears is number one in "Top Ten Hollywood Meltdowns." Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham told Elle she was bullied in high school and was sent to the loo every day to take off her makeup. "From Hunk To Chunk" puts men under the body image microscope for a change: Adrian Grenier and Luke Wilson have bellies! This story illustrated with cookies. Mmm, cookies. Reese Witherspoon smooching Vince Vaughn? It's for a movie called Four Christmases. Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon have a deal with E! to film a reality show about their married life. Pam recently said, "We're in every night having sex."
Grade: D (rat)

Life & Style
"Baby Update!" The first baby? Britney's. She's desperate to get Kevin back regardless of the pregnancy rumors. Apparently she calls KFed all the time, sometimes under the guise of checking up on the kids, but often she's just confused and wants to talk. Jennifer Lopez's baby wasn't really in danger when a "scruffy" stranger in a Star Wars T-shirt put a package in her mailbox, because she and Marc were not at home. But! Marc does have a gun permit! Also inside: Heidi Montag is no longer wearing her engagement ring from Spencer Pratt and the wedding is off! Katherine Heigl's fiancée Josh Kelly wants her to quit smoking; Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo's relationship is rocky and they will either "get engaged, get married or split," says a source. "Why Are Stars Obsessed With Plumping?" is four pages of horrible, painful-looking, collagen-injected lips, including Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Brittany Murphy, Jessica Simpson and yikes! Rebecca Gayheart.
Grade: D+ (tick)