Ever sit and enumerate the ways you're killing yourself? Let's see, start with the fact that you're sitting, which means whatever food in your stomach is metabolizing at a rate so slow all the cells will eventually be converted to cancer. There's the beer and the wine and the beer and the 24-ounce Colt 45 (what was that?) you had last night. There's the recurring urinary tract infection you treat sporadically with cranberry juice, Uristat and old amoxicillin that is now a superbug laying waste to your immune system as the coffee erodes at your stomach lining. And there's your back pains, which are from the period you are still having, because you are an old hag too busy annihilating your liver to have had the two and a half children you should have had by now, and now, it turns out, the secret behind everything that makes us grow old and die may be inflammation, according to an article in the latest Discover I read while waiting for the anti-inflammatories to kick in this morning.

Inflammation, eh? So here's my question: in the meantime until you kill yourself off, how do you cope with the PAIN? If you're a drinker, you're NEVER supposed to take Tylenol. Or Advil. Or Aspirin. And I learned the hard way about Aleve and coffee — the acid reflux is like a heart attack!

Which eventually becomes an ulcer, which eventually becomes stomach cancer...not a good way to go! I've read about this ninety thousand times and I still don't know: what's the best pain reliever for people who'd rather die in a nice, peaceful way? Like euthanasia?