Megan is inexplicably offline right now, so I'm just going to use the space in which I usually IM with her and call it a post to tell you that last night's Republican primary debates were awesome. Like a dysfunctional family dinner, the critics raved. John McCain was the only candidate who would fess up to not having a gun in the house, and Mike Huckabee was forced to admit he did not believe the parts in the Bible about dragons and unicorns necessarily literal truth. Someone accused Rudy Giuliani of having run a "sanctuary city" where immigration laws weren't strictly enforced, and Rudy put it back on Mitt Romney, accusing him of running a "sanctuary mansion" because he'd hired illegals to tend his lawn over the years.

Mayor, you know better than that," Mr. Romney chided his rival, saying it "wouldn't be American" to ask someone with a foreign accent for their "papers."

And then Fred Thompson piped up from outta nowhere with a little Bernie Kerik joke...

"I think we've all had people we've hired who, in retrospect, it was a bad decision." Snap. Some of the Republicans had expressed reservations about participating in the debate after Democrats had to field tough global warming questions from an animated snowman last time.

And then they realized, holy shit, they were Republicans, and the viewpoints of their actual primary voters were actually, all things considered, a lot scarier than melting polar icecaps ushering in Armageddon. Anyway, Wonkette's liveblog was really funny, such as:

9:14 — Video: "Death Penalty, WWJD" — That's almost verbatim. Huckabee talks about how babies are precious, but criminals should all die all the time.
9:15 — Anderson Cooper is really pressing the Jesus aspect. Jesus is wishing he had never created Anderson Cooper.
9:18 — Video: We will absolutely be posting this one. Some guy is really curious about whether they believe every word in the Bible. Huckabee asks Giuliani if he "needs help with this one." Giuliani just got out-Jesused by the Iowa Ex-Fattie ROFLMAOOOOO!

Advertisement

So who won? My polling data suggests you don't actually have a horse in this race, but pretty much everyone agrees Mitt Romney was a racist asshole and also, Rudy Giuliani called it "Roe against Wade," so I think we've found a new word for our abortion rights!

In Debate, Romney and Giuliani Clash on Immigration Issues [Washington Post]
Mr. Nasty Vs. Mr. Nice [Washington Post]
Republican Debate Features Web Queries, Sharp Exchanges [WSJ]