It's Wednesday, and Midweek Madness returns, short holiday week be damned. Britney Spears wins 2 of 5 covers this week, for her crazy childhood and her "addiction" to cosmetic procedures. The other mags feature Tom Cruise, Marie Osmond and Beyoncé's armpits. Got travel plans? Wondering what to buy at the train station or airport? Get a run-down of Star, OK!, Life & Style, In Touch and Us, after the jump. Also: For the first time ever, a magazine has been graded with an F!

"Body & Beauty Bloopers!" Posh has pimples! Paris has lipstick on her teeth! Beyoncé's got deodorant build-up! Courtney love has cigarette-stained fingers! Gwen Stefani has no eyebrows! There are lots more pix, but you get the point. Also inside: Mary-Kate tells Nylon she walks around naked in heels when she's home alone. Ugh, heard it before. Julia Roberts thinks she could have done a better job with A Mighty Heart than Angelina Jolie did, calling Angie "not the most loved person in Hollywood." Julia's on Team Jen. Natalie Portman went to Uganda and now only showers for "like 2 seconds" because she's trying to conserve water. Whitney Port is getting kicked off of The Hills: A source says she doesn't know it yet, but they've already started shooting scenes with her replacement. (Whit's reportedly "too vanilla.") Couples news: Lindsay Lohan and Riley Giles have broken up, Mary-Kate & Stavros Niarchos III are back together. Catholic girl Fergie is seeing a rabbi who specializes in working with Jewish addicts... maybe he's keeping her off the meth? In Britney news, her court monitor thinks she's too crazy and wants out. Kevin Federline's busy with the ladies: he's seeing Nicole Narain and Allison Joyce at the same time and flirting with his personal cook Toni. But KFed fell for Nicole instantly and even gave her a credit card (but since he makes no money of his own, you can assume that it's Britney's money she is spending.)
Grade: C (Dry white meat turkey)

"Britney's Twisted Childhood" teases the cover. We posted about her losing her virginity at 14, but there's so much more: Intern Sharon says, "It's like a Lifetime movie." When Britney's father Jaime was in 8th grade, his mother killed herself over the death of a 3-day old child she'd had eight years earlier; as Brit was growing up Jaime was always drinking... he even got alcohol for Britney and her friends; since Britney's the family breadwinner, no ever tries to control her. Plus: There's a story about Dr. Donda West's death, noting that the place where she got her surgery was in a strip mall. Will Smith is studying Scientology with Tom Cruise, says much of it is "identical" to Christianity and Jada is all about it. The Hills' Spencer Pratt insisted on being paid big bucks to sit in the front row of a fashion show, but didn't get it. He says he won't make personal appearances unless he gets "a ton of money." Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon served vegan Thanksgiving meals to the homeless. In Las Vegas.
Grade: D- (Mashed potatoes made from powder)

In Touch
"The Gay Rumors — Finally The Truth" Porn star-turned private investigator Paul Barresi, who has a shirtless Tom Selleck-esquee pic in the mag, did extensive "research" for Andrew Morton's upcoming unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise and says "everything I know points to Tom being heterosexual." Phew! Paris still hasn't made it to Rwanda, but she did go on a 18,323 mile party tour to South Korea, Japan and Russia. She appeared on a comedy show in Seoul, that's kind of like helping orphans, right? Ryan Phillippe was suicidal when he and Reese Witherspoon first split, but now he's fine with her dating Jake Gyllenhaal, his one-time workout buddy. Change of heart! Lauren Conrad says when the The Hills cameras are not around, "we do nothing." Kelly Clarkson lost 30 pounds by doubling up on workouts, Jesus. Angelina Jolie is torn between the men she loves: brother James Haven and Brad Pitt. James thinks Brad is boring and a frat boy and not someone he'd ever be friends with. In Angelina adoption news, though last week's cover claimed Zahara's Ethiopian family wanted her back, this week, the woman who claims to be her mother says she's happy that Zahara has a better life. Halle Berry gave her baby-daddy a Mercedes Benz as a way to show him she loves him without a ring. As for Britney, everyone is shutting her out: Her managers, assistants, mom, Justin, Lindsay — no one is supporting her anymore. Brit bought presents for Nicole Richie, but was hurt to find she wasn't invited to the baby shower. Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan and Riley Giles are "on the rocks" because LL is "so hectic and demanding" that they've been fighting a lot. Also, when she went to get her extensions and it took it long time, he was bored. There's a 6 page story on the most famous dogs in Hollywood featuring Mariah Carey's Jack Russell, Jessica Simpson's maltipoo Daisy and Ellen's hairdresser's pooch Iggy, the most famous of them all.
Grade: C (Canned cranberry sauce)

"I Will Survive" claims Marie Osmond on the cover, and if you care at all, Marie is a fighter who'll never quit. We didn't even read the story, to be honest. Patrick Dempsey says: "My wife makes me a better person." Did you know that they met because she was a hairdresser and cut his floppy mop? Britney's family wants her in rehab for the holidays. A source says she babbles in baby talk when her kids aren't around and goes to the Four Seasons to use the pool because hers hasn't been baby-proofed. Another source says she is more obsessed with the way she looks than bonding with her children, sigh. "Adorable A-Listers" is a run-down celebrity babies: Shiloh! Suri! Kingston! Violet! And, uh, Dannielynn Birkhead. "Amicable Exes" includes Cameron and Justin, Demi and Bruce, Liz and Hugh Vanessa Williams and Rick Fox.
Grade: F (Going to bed without any dinner) (Sorry, but Marie Osmond cover story and pictures of babies just aren't enough.)

Life & Style
"Britney's Addicted To Surgery" Apparently Brit went to a doctor to improve her nose and enlarge her breasts, but the doc declined, because she's a high-risk patient and he didn't think he could trust what she put as her medical history. Afterwards, she saw three other physicians. One gave her collagen just to stall her. A source says, "She'll tear pictures out of magazines and point to different body parts, saying "I want that and that.'" The mag also claims she had a tummy tuck after giving birth to Jayden. (She complained about her rolls of fat and Kevin said, "Why don't you do something about it?") Also: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minillo share the same birthday, so naturally they had four birthday parties in places like Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands and Vegas. Lindsay is "in trouble" because she's hanging out with the same people she hung out with before rehab. And someone says they saw her and her eyes were "despondent." (That's so emo, says Intern Sharon.) Mary-Kate is back with Stavros, maybe to get revenge on his ex, Paris Hilton? Courteney Cox and David Arquette may adopt so that Coco can have a brother (David wants a boy). Eva Longoria got a tattoo! It's the Roman numerals of her wedding date. "Hollywood Gets Even Skinnier" has pictures of Heidi Klum, Paris Hilton and Cameron Diaz, claiming they're all too bony. But American Idol alum Kimberly Locke lost 40 lbs, yay?
Grade: C+ (Stove Top stuffing)