Word to the wise, or rather, to the fools in love: Don't buy an iPod for someone you're dating and then have it engraved, 'cause Apple won't take that shit back once your ass gets dumped. I don't normally spend money on boys, or anyone other than myself for that matter, but I'd been seeing someone off and on for a decent amount of time. We'd been going through another "off" period, but made plans to hang out for his birthday last week. I'd sorta been an asshole to him recently, and I wanted to make it up to him by taking him out to eat at a nice fancy restaurant and getting him an iPod Touch. Basically, I figured if history were anything to go by, we'd be "on again" soon. When I was placing my order online, the option for engraving was presented. It was free! Why the hell not? I'll tell you why not! Because the day before the big fancy dinner, motherfucker told me that we shouldn't "hang out" and that it was the "best thing for now." It became clear that by "now" he meant "ever" and by "hang out" he meant "have any contact at all." So now what?

According to Apple:

Configure-to-order, personalized or other customized products may not be returned for refund or exchange under any circumstances unless such product is Dead on Arrival.

You know, I didn't go into this purchase lightly. It was over $400 I was shelling out. And I put a lot of thought and consideration into the actual engraving. (Well, just into what the engraving would say. I guess I completely overlooked the Refund and Return Policy regarding customization.) I didn't want to get too mushy because like I said, we were having problems and I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. I also didn't want it to be too generic, because that's just lame. So I settled on something‚ÄĒit involved his name‚ÄĒand finalized my order. I don't think it's likely that I'll fall in love with someone else with his name anytime soon. I mean, it's not like he's a "Mike" or a "John." And his name is rare enough that it would be a pain in the ass to sell it on eBay, aside from the fact that I would still lose money on the deal.

I began fantasizing about ways that I could still get my $400 worth:

  • I could shove the damn thing up his ass.
  • I could release all of my frustration on it by smashing it into a million little pieces, but preserving the engraved part, place it all in a box, wrap it nicely with a bow, and send it to him.
  • I could film myself blowing some other guy, put the video on the iPod, wrap it nicely with a bow, and send it to him.

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But this story has a happy ending. I received an email‚ÄĒnot from the dude telling me he wanted to get back together, but from Apple‚ÄĒalerting me to the fact that the iPod touch was on backorder for a few days, so it hadn't yet been shipped to me! After days of agonizing about this, I was able to simply cancel the order.

So basically the moral of the story is I'm crazy lucky ('cause I'm Irish?). But also, relationships are temporary, but your customized purchases from Apple are forever.

Related: You Can't Seduce With An Ipod Unless... [Gizmodo]