Welcome back to "Crappy Hour," the Gawker Media version of a lady-centric morning news show! Mercifully, Wonkette allowed me to continue retaining the morning IM services of the inimitable no-longer-anonymous Anonymous Lobbyist, Megan. Herewith, we mourn Donda West and scripted television and reserve whatever the opposite of mourning is for Norman Mailer and Danny Pearl's murder suspect. It's like "The View," only with WAY less clothing. And way more uppers!
JEZEBAAL: Good morning! Welcome to the first day of what will surely be the most soul-depleting period in your life thus far! Ha ha, but I mean that in the best way possible.
JEZEBAAL: This morning we grieve the distinguished author Donda West, the mother of Kanye West, who is, I'm sure you're aware, a supporter of Barack Obama. I read part of her book Raising Kanye this morning and I can't deny I got a little weepy; she was a seriously selfless person who loved Kanye unconditionally and (shucks!) reminds me a lot of my own mom. While many women apparently look at Hillary Clinton, and "see themselves", Both Kanye and Barack spent parts of their childhoods in Asia, which I think is one of the reasons I love them both so much. Also there is the matter that they are cute. Is presidential politics, like love at first sight just "sex and ego", I wonder sometimes? Also, Norman Mailer died; fuck that guy.
NOLONGERANONYMOUS: The real question is: who will be the 3rd death in the author trifecta?
Also, Ron Paul has brought gold back. Fucking old people.
JEZEBAAL: Ha! I do hope it's not Fantasia from American Idol. Remember how she wrote a book, about how she was illiterate? Wait, all this is very mean and I want to keep shit positive today. Did you happen to read this story, about why the whites are so crazy for Obama?
And re the gold: What the fuck is that guy doing in the picture? Is he bowing down to the Franklin mint?
9:26 AM OH crap, this just in: KANYE'S MOM DIED FROM COSMETIC SURGERY.
NOLONGERANONYMOUS: Stupid unrealistic ideals of beauty!
Unlike Obama, who is totally a realistic idea of hot.
I mean, my Obama lust isn't white guilt, it's, um, just sorta lust. Plus, I think he wife is cool.
JEZEBAAL: Hahaha, no, it's not about guilt. That story makes it very clear it's all about lust. And yeah, his wife is awesome. But what the fuck, it's one thing to die from plastic surgery in Thailand — where, ahem, the Wests lived for awhile — but when you're fucking Kanye West's mom in Beverly Hills? How. On. Earth??
NOLONGERANONYMOUS: But, speaking of guilt, apparently some people don't have any. In other news, why th fuck wold you give someone named Creflo Dollar you damn money?
9:29 AM Surgery is dangerous! Have you had any recently? They make you sign a waiver acknowledging the possibility of your own demise hen you have your tonsils out!
JEZEBAAL: Oh my god, the Creflo Dollar guy was profiled in the New Yorker a few years back I think, and yeah, the churches of prosperity generally mean "for me." That said, I once ordered away to a church for some special prosperity oil with which I anointed my house ABSOLUTELY FREE. I think they signed me up for Girls Gone Wild, though. Anyway, suffice it to say, it performed no miracles. I really have to say though: I do not understand how so many televangelists have successfully blended Christianity with "get rich quick" ponzi schemes in this country. Don't people understand that religion is the opiate of the MASSES?
NOLONGERANONYMOUS: The thing I don't get is how he can preach that you get into heaven by getting more money, and then gets people to send him theirs. Like, shouldn't they keep it for themselves if that's the requirement?
JEZEBAAL: Exactly! Although, have you ever known a Scientologist? Somehow they convince their followers to spend, like, six figures in "auditing" classes, all so they can one day be hideously wealthy like Tom Cruise et al, and ...usually it doesn't work out so well! And speaking of money, religion, happiness etc. this NYT column on why economists insist on wrongly assuming happiness and material wealth are directly correlated was written by an old co-worker of mine from the Journal. He always seemed really happy, except in the mornings during World Cup, and no one in journalism makes that much money. Oh, and speaking of the Journal, a suspect in Danny Pearl's murder died, maybe as a result of the interrogation techniques employed on him in Pakistan! Where there are going to be free elections, at some point...
NOLONGERANONYMOUS: Well, "free" elections is probably a better description. But, I'm having a tough time feeling bad for the dead guy. Give me a second.
Nope, still don't feel bad. Hope it hurt.
But, speaking of tough tactics, did you see he article about the Writers Guild guy? Even the lawyers in LA think he's a jerk. We should send him to do interrogations and shit.
JEZEBAAL: I guess I hope if they tortured him, they got their money's worth is all! And as for the writer's strike, ugh. As much as I hate Rupert Murdoch I feel like it's so counterproductive. And that guy's old union, UNITE, was always hovering around American Apparel... case in point. Let's try to protect workers who are really, truly fucked. Because as someone who spent the weekend watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians can attest, we really want to save the business of "scripted" movies and TV. But if it doesn't make money, it will die, and... I guess it's okay because there's Youtube and the BBC but you know.
9:53 AM Also, from that Obama story, there is something really inspiring about this:
In his autobiography, written before he entered politics, Sen. Obama tells the story of his Kenyan father drinking with friends at a bar in Hawaii when a white man objects to being in a bar "next to a n-."
"The room fell quiet and people turned to my father, expecting a fight," Sen. Obama recounts. "Instead, my father stood up, walked over to the man, smiled and proceeded to lecture him about the folly of bigotry, the promise of the American dream, and the universal rights of man." The white man ends up buying Sen. Obama's father a round of drinks.
NOLONGERANONYMOUS: Do you smell something funky?
9:55 AM Like, um, cow manure?
JEZEBAAL: Yes, shut up. Also, there's something inspiring about this. Also, I wonder if Donda was getting her stomach stapled.
NOLONGERANONYMOUS: Or bullshit, either way
But, stomach stapling isn't plastic surgery. But, it would make sense, it's actually more risky than average
JEZEBAAL: It's just that, you know, when America's sitting idly by as Pakistan declares military rule and tortures terror suspects we can't torture here, or maybe we can, depends what you make of "waterboarding," because it's not like all those super expensive high tech satellite spy techniques ended up working at all, well, it's nice to think there might be someone with hope out there. It's AUDACIOUS, I know.
NOLONGERANONYMOUS: Well, we're not sitting idly by, we're giving them the people to torture!