It's not clear what kind of crime was committed that we ended up on the mailing list of a catalog called The Swiss Colony, but, without a doubt, there are some truly hideous things to be found beneath its innocuous little cover. Synthetic fleece jackets printed with cat faces, Precious Moments™ figurines, lamps shaped like dolphins. Some of the worst offenders, after the jump.
A polyester throw to cover your fat slob of a husband who's become attached to his La-Z-Boy at the cellular level, like that obese lady on Nip/Tuck. Instead of his name, embroider it with the word "Loser." Comes in excrement brown, Mommy's merlot and coroner's scrubs green. Pocket not designed to contain vomit. ($24.95)
So what this is is a fountain. With a giant ten commandments shadowing a tiny Moses and a couple of homies. The sound of water trickles as poor Mo is trapped in time, forever trying to get the sea to part. Until you turn off the fountain, perhaps? The copy assures us that the piece "plays a medley of inspirational songs" but doesn't name the tunes. Our guesses: "Rock The Casbah," "Walk This Way" and "God Is A DJ." If you said Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus" or Kanye's "Jesus Walks," you ought to know better. ($29.95)
The text for this lovely item reads, "Fiercely protective (just like someone you know?) this detailed American eagle watches over a brilliant fiber optic globe." Just like America watches over the planet, mothertruckers! USA! USA! Perfect for Republican in-laws. ($29.95)
Ah, fruitcake. A holiday tradition. What are those gelatinous green chunks, you ask? Why, they're pineapples, of course! They claim this fruitcake has been loved by generations... In other words, it's really old and the people who attempted to ingest it are now dead. Possibly due to fruitcake food poisoning. And why is the pineapple green??? ($27.95 for 2 lbs. if you order by Dec. 14)